Venting Waitin' Around To Die

[ARW3N]

The song "Waitin' Around To Die" by the American singer-songwriter Townes Van Zandt sometimes plays in my head. It does feel that I've spent my whole life waiting to die and it just can't come fast enough. Every time I post or comment on the forum is an admission of defeat.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

i hear that LOUD and clear

 

[falloutcarter13]

I feel you, but you don't have to look at it that way. If death is defeat, then no human can ever win anyway...and if defeat is inevitable, then why should it be something to be bummed about? I used to do this thing where I'd somehow project other peoples' feelings about things like death, success, suicide, failure, etc on my own feelings. No fuckin' wonder I was always lost and confused. (Not saying that you're doing ANY of this btw, just rambling.) Now that I've made the decision to ctb and there is absolutely no turning back this time, I've gotten a pretty wonderful clarity. I still worry about what people close to me will say/think after I'm gone, but there's freedom in knowing none of it will matter to me a bit. Sorry for going off there lol I can't seem to control this mind-vomit lately.

 

[profoundexperience]

I used to do this thing where I'd somehow project other peoples' feelings about things like death, success, suicide, failure, etc on my own feelings. No fuckin' wonder I was always lost and confused.

Life is kinda a "cult", isn't it? The programming is so pervasive... it's so hard to "escape".

I still worry about what people close to me will say/think after I'm gone, but there's freedom in knowing none of it will matter to me a bit.

I have the same misgiving: Leaving the "cult" unavoidably implies the cult's "core beliefs" might be questionable.

Is the anguish experienced by "survivors" more an expression of caring for us... or rather their personally having to face uncomfortable truths*? They experience their loss (and yet they will believe it's our "fault").

* Of "life is not such a 'good thing' for everyone"... That death is inevitable... and that anyone can choose to leave at any time.