Venting Venting about CTB/life. Hoping someone else out there can relate?

[SpaceAlien]

I don't have anyone I can talk to like this but I just want to write my feelings out. Sorry about any gramatical errors, I just wanna focus on getting this down.

For about a year now, maybe 2, I've felt like I'm at the end of my life and I'm just waiting for the day I finally say "Today's the day I end it". I've been in a poor mental state for many many years, but something about this past year/2 has really felt final. I don't know how to explain it. I've never been able to envision a future for myself. My whole life it always felt like this far away made up thing. It's like I've always known I was gonna end my own life. Sometimes I think I was made to die. It really feels like the future is just something that was not made for me. I don't know if it's the depression numbness or if there's something else wrong with me but even though I want to die, I don't feel anything. The only time I feel anything is when things get really bad and I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown, but inbetween those (which happens 2-3 times a year), I feel pretty much nothing at all. I think I'm probably gonna go with complete hanging when the time comes and recently I've thought about going on walks/trails near me to scout a possible location and also just to get myself out of the house and look at some nice scenery and think. The problem is, even when I'm out and walking, I don't really feel anything, my brain doesn't think. It's just like "I was there... and now I'm here" and that's it. Theres no feeling of escapism or enjoyment. It feels no different than being inside so I feel like what's the point? I just feel completely nothing.

I dropped out of school at the beginning of highschool because of bullying and possible undiagnosed adhd and/or autism issues (not diagnosed but possible). Ever since that day I have lived the same day every day. I'm now 26 and I have nothing. I have no friends, the last time I hung out with another person was when I was 13. I live in my room 99% of the time, I rarely get out of bed, I have no goals, I have nothing I want, I just want it to be over. I live with my mother but things aren't great between us. She's gotten so used to seeing me like this that I don't think it really registers to her how bad it is. I'm not looking for advice or anything, I guess I'm just sharing this in hopes someone else out there relates and maybe wants to talk about it.

 

[lomorbu]

I'm 24 and my life is a back and forth of extreme self harm and a suffocating boredom. I often wonder what is the point of living a material experience in a living hell. My soul is just fragments of what I used to be. I don't regret dropping out because I'd be in a different bad situation. There's no optimism or yearning I have for life, and I haven't since I was a child. I'll probably end up in some drug den or something. It's not even that I'm throwing my life away at this point. I just am sick of the dissapointment

I'll keep you in my heart

 

[esistzeit]

Bullying is one of the foulest thing in this world. It ruined my life as well. Scars that will never heal.

I'm 25 and in a very similar position as yourself; I understand your pain. I'm sorry.

I, too, look forward to the day of my freedom. It's already next month so I'm feeling even less motivated to do anything than usual.

The only thing that kept my sanity through all these years was knowing that one day my pain would end. This thought brought me comfort.

Now that it's so close I feel calmer. Maybe it'll hurt, I hope it won't, but it'll be the last pain I will ever feel.

May you find your peace, my friend

 

[SpaceAlien]

I'm 24 and my life is a back and forth of extreme self harm and a suffocating boredom. I often wonder what is the point of living a material experience in a living hell. My soul is just fragments of what I used to be. I don't regret dropping out because I'd be in a different bad situation. There's no optimism or yearning I have for life, and I haven't since I was a child. I'll probably end up in some drug den or something. It's not even that I'm throwing my life away at this point. I just am sick of the dissapointment

I'll keep you in my heart

Thank you for your reply, I'm so sorry you're suffering too. I can relate to everything you said, I could see my future looking like that also if certain circumstances were to change. I wish you all the best. I'll keep you in my heart too.

Bullying is one of the foulest thing in this world. It ruined my life as well. Scars that will never heal.

I'm 25 and in a very similar position as yourself; I understand your pain. I'm sorry.

I, too, look forward to day of my freedom. It's already next month so I'm feeling even less motivated to do anything than usual.

The only thing that kept my sanity through all these was knowing that one day my pain would end. This thought brought me comfort.

Now that it's so close I feel calmer. Maybe it'll hurt, I hope it won't, but it'll be the last pain I will ever feel.

May you find your peace, my friend

Thanks for replying, I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. It's shit, isn't it? I really hope you're able to find your peace too

 

[iknewitallalong]

I don't have anyone I can talk to like this but I just want to write my feelings out. Sorry about any gramatical errors, I just wanna focus on getting this down.

For about a year now, maybe 2, I've felt like I'm at the end of my life and I'm just waiting for the day I finally say "Today's the day I end it". I've been in a poor mental state for many many years, but something about this past year/2 has really felt final. I don't know how to explain it. I've never been able to envision a future for myself. My whole life it always felt like this far away made up thing. It's like I've always known I was gonna end my own life. Sometimes I think I was made to die. It really feels like the future is just something that was not made for me. I don't know if it's the depression numbness or if there's something else wrong with me but even though I want to die, I don't feel anything. The only time I feel anything is when things get really bad and I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown, but inbetween those (which happens 2-3 times a year), I feel pretty much nothing at all. I think I'm probably gonna go with complete hanging when the time comes and recently I've thought about going on walks/trails near me to scout a possible location and also just to get myself out of the house and look at some nice scenery and think. The problem is, even when I'm out and walking, I don't really feel anything, my brain doesn't think. It's just like "I was there... and now I'm here" and that's it. Theres no feeling of escapism or enjoyment. It feels no different than being inside so I feel like what's the point? I just feel completely nothing.

I dropped out of school at the beginning of highschool because of bullying and possible undiagnosed adhd and/or autism issues (not diagnosed but possible). Ever since that day I have lived the same day every day. I'm now 26 and I have nothing. I have no friends, the last time I hung out with another person was when I was 13. I live in my room 99% of the time, I rarely get out of bed, I have no goals, I have nothing I want, I just want it to be over. I live with my mother but things aren't great between us. She's gotten so used to seeing me like this that I don't think it really registers to her how bad it is. I'm not looking for advice or anything, I guess I'm just sharing this in hopes someone else out there relates and maybe wants to talk about it.

oof I relate to this...hard. I have such low self esteem I cannot envision anything positive. I want so badly to just have a moment where I can atleast picture something good happening to me but I really cannot. All I ever truly wanted and aimed for was to ctb because thats all i can picture myself doing.


I get you. Its soo painful isn't it? Also the fact that people expect you to want to ''do something with your life'' is really really hard because all you ever want is to just die.