Venting trans life cycle

[pellisetossium]

I graduated a month ago. I just finished an internship and started writing my thesis. I have an eight months old relationship with someone who seems to like me. I have started to look for jobs in the hopes of affording a masters and surgeries, and it terrifies me.
Wherever I look, I can't help but feel that there's no place for me. I feel like everything I do to build a life in this world is meaningless and that no matter how much I try I'll just never be a part of it. When I came to terms with being a transexual, a part of me also accepted that I'd never be able to live normally. Every day feels heavier.

I think being young gave me an excuse to put my life on hold while I tried to find out how to live it, but I'm not sure if I'll ever figure it out. I don't want to kill myself, I really don't, but it feels like the only thing left. I don't want to become a statistic. I've already failed enough times before and now it feels like I'm living in borrowed time.

I'm lucky to be loved by someone, I'm lucky to have a little cat that I love, I'm lucky to have had projects that fulfilled me, but love can't do it all. I'm scared all this love won't ever be enough.

 

[locallyringedspace]

I really really get the feeling. like i can do so so much and feel happy or hopeful but remembering that none of it will ever make me cissexual just crushes me

 

[pellisetossium]

I really really get the feeling. like i can do so so much and feel happy or hopeful but remembering that none of it will ever make me cissexual just crushes me

Yeah, more or less. I just can't fathom a life were everything's easier. If I hadn't had to worry about how I look, or about the opportunities I'll never have, or whatever.

 

[delinquentsandwich]

being born the wrong gender and having to fight harder to be who I want to be
I've been fighting all my life and it's all life will ever be- I don't want any part in that

even if I make it through, there is no place for me here either
in this lifetime, I'll never be "normal"
society will never accept me

everything's more difficult and having to fight harder and harder

 

[iamjustapebble]

I feel the same way. I'll never be normal. People treat me differently from others because of it. Being trans will probably be a political issue for my whole life, so my whole life my existence will be the topic of political debate.
And (one of) the worst parts are that testosterone didn't help much. I've been on it for 4 years. I just look like a hair girl.
I had top surgery. It was botched. My chest always hurts if anything touches it. It doesn't look good. I tried to get it fixed but it didn't help at all, it looks the same way it did before, and this surgery cost as much as my first one. And this one fucked up another part of my body so now my back feels weird and sometimes hurts.
I genuinely don't know how I can be happy. I feel like I'm eroding my body and mental state regardless of if I transition or not.