Venting there's really no point, is there?

[ceriseange♡]

it's been a really long time since I posted and about two years since I've logged in. I'm still alive. honestly wish I wasn't. it's 2am so I apologize for no proper grammar or punctuation, I genuinely haven't slept well in days. I really thought I was doing better, but I guess not. there's so much I could write about so much that I've failed at taking. initiative on for my own health and wellbeing but all I can focus on is this feeling. the feeling that always comes back. nostalgia and guilt are eating me alive and im so fucking anxious and suicidal all the time and I just. im so tired. I couldn't see myself making it past 18 and now im 24. I have so many feelings resurfacing as I come to terms with my grooming and religious trauma. I don't want to keep doing this, I really don't. I don't want to do this to my parents or friends or anyone but im just. im so fucking tired. all the time. what's the point of anything if it always comes back to this in the end. no drive, no happiness, no nothing. not even nothing. I want the apathy back so fucking bad

sending u all love, apologies for the incoherent insomnia driven ramble

small update: I've emailed my psych to see if a dosage increase or new meds are possible until I find a therapist that I actually feel safe with (so never, probably) but just so I can survive this episode. which is funny how I'm actively trying to not kms while posting here lol

 

[sleepytime5]

On one hand don't worry about family and friends, really we all die you know, they should know this, ofc they might not but even if you don't ctb at one point you'll die and make people sad, living means dying ctb is just rage quiting a game that was going to end anyways
However keep pushing with the meds they sometimes work, for me they did, except abilify which had me in pure agony for 2 days, if I was home and not on vacation I'd have ctb impulsively with just a knife istg that's how bad it was