RosesFlourish
There’s a chance I could make it
- Feb 16, 2024
- 55
I've been feeling increasingly suicidal over the past few months. Tried going back to therapy after a couple years of not needing it. Didn't bother going back when I was asked, "Then why are you here?" after my intake. They implied that if I don't hate myself, then the depression and anxiety can't be that bad. This was a few months ago.
I don't believe I deserve to die, though I used to. There's just this… rot. Something that fills me with depression and then attempts to sell me the solution. Advertising suicide as mercy.
My focus at work has gone down the drain. I could stare at the screen for hours and barely get anything done because I can't focus anymore. I'm terrified of my upcoming employee evaluation, because I know I'm not meeting the numbers I used to when I was healthy. My boss has been understanding of my mental crisis in the past, and let me go home when I got hit with a bad anxiety attack once. I still dread having to most likely be honest about what I'm going through. And paranoid that I'll be accused of being lazy.
I hesitate trying to work with another therapist, for fear of both getting rejected and hit with another $400 bill.
I worked with a great therapist for years and got meds that worked… until now. Somehow, I've slipped back into a dark place and can't figure out why. And it's summer. I can't imagine how bad this could get during winter.
I've started the process of writing my will and daydream about hanging myself. Of where to get the rope and somehow make it so I can free myself if I panic after kicking out the stool underneath. As far as an actual attempt goes, last minute survival instinct scares me. A way to back out makes this all the more tempting.
It sucks to feel this way when I have stable housing, a solid job, people who care about me and love playing video games.
I don't know what I want or need. But posting here seemed like a good first step. Now that it's affecting my job, I can't ignore this anymore.
I don't believe I deserve to die, though I used to. There's just this… rot. Something that fills me with depression and then attempts to sell me the solution. Advertising suicide as mercy.
My focus at work has gone down the drain. I could stare at the screen for hours and barely get anything done because I can't focus anymore. I'm terrified of my upcoming employee evaluation, because I know I'm not meeting the numbers I used to when I was healthy. My boss has been understanding of my mental crisis in the past, and let me go home when I got hit with a bad anxiety attack once. I still dread having to most likely be honest about what I'm going through. And paranoid that I'll be accused of being lazy.
I hesitate trying to work with another therapist, for fear of both getting rejected and hit with another $400 bill.
I worked with a great therapist for years and got meds that worked… until now. Somehow, I've slipped back into a dark place and can't figure out why. And it's summer. I can't imagine how bad this could get during winter.
I've started the process of writing my will and daydream about hanging myself. Of where to get the rope and somehow make it so I can free myself if I panic after kicking out the stool underneath. As far as an actual attempt goes, last minute survival instinct scares me. A way to back out makes this all the more tempting.
It sucks to feel this way when I have stable housing, a solid job, people who care about me and love playing video games.
I don't know what I want or need. But posting here seemed like a good first step. Now that it's affecting my job, I can't ignore this anymore.
