LRkin
Drowning in kumis
- Jun 30, 2026
- 94
Time and time again, I found myself sharing my thoughts in other people's threads, and now, finally, I've decided to make one of my own.
Lately, I've been feeling utterly empty. Long stretches of depression, when I was overwhelmed by the urge to hurt and harm myself, were followed by periods of relative, melancholic calm. Sometimes I thought there was still something I could do to change the situation, somehow. But the further I move through this swamp, the deeper I sink into it.
Lately, I've been feeling empty. Brief moments of interaction with SaSu users used to bring me some relief, but eventually even that stopped working. I feel utterly empty and exhausted.
Some of this has a fairly simple explanation. I simply don't have enough physical energy because of the harsh restrictions I've imposed on myself as part of this twisted, prolonged exercise in self-torment. For the past couple of weeks, I kept believing that if I just held on a little longer, I would finally allow myself a little bit of joy. But now I don't even want that anymore. I don't want anything at all.
I don't have the energy to be angry. I don't have the energy to be happy. I don't even have enough energy left to hate myself.
Maybe that isn't such a bad thing. And yet I can't shake the feeling that, little by little, I'm losing whatever is left of myself.
There's a little over a month left until my birthday. I'm turning thirty soon. And I'm scared. Looking back over all these years, I could probably barely scrape together a single year during which I actually felt happy. And that makes it all the more painful to remember those moments when I truly believed that happiness exists. That there was something in life worth holding on for.
P.S. I can't help it. Just decided that I must add this track. I don't know why.
Lately, I've been feeling utterly empty. Long stretches of depression, when I was overwhelmed by the urge to hurt and harm myself, were followed by periods of relative, melancholic calm. Sometimes I thought there was still something I could do to change the situation, somehow. But the further I move through this swamp, the deeper I sink into it.
Lately, I've been feeling empty. Brief moments of interaction with SaSu users used to bring me some relief, but eventually even that stopped working. I feel utterly empty and exhausted.
Some of this has a fairly simple explanation. I simply don't have enough physical energy because of the harsh restrictions I've imposed on myself as part of this twisted, prolonged exercise in self-torment. For the past couple of weeks, I kept believing that if I just held on a little longer, I would finally allow myself a little bit of joy. But now I don't even want that anymore. I don't want anything at all.
I don't have the energy to be angry. I don't have the energy to be happy. I don't even have enough energy left to hate myself.
Maybe that isn't such a bad thing. And yet I can't shake the feeling that, little by little, I'm losing whatever is left of myself.
There's a little over a month left until my birthday. I'm turning thirty soon. And I'm scared. Looking back over all these years, I could probably barely scrape together a single year during which I actually felt happy. And that makes it all the more painful to remember those moments when I truly believed that happiness exists. That there was something in life worth holding on for.
P.S. I can't help it. Just decided that I must add this track. I don't know why.
