Venting Ugh

[spacefreightergirl]

Sometimes I just read about methods and daydream about doing it. Sometimes I actually fill the online cart with an order with the things I'd need and after hours of just staring at it I close the tab. I wish I could push myself to just do it. I'm so tired.

 

[never mind me]

I am feeling the exact same. I bought a rope, although with the thought of possibly just playing around and hoping it would make me realize I actually want to live (like preparing suicide often did in the past). But it doesn't, I don't want to experience any more of this horrible existence I am condemned to. And still I can't get myself to use it. I don't understand why. I hate myself so much. First I fucked up my health, getting me into this horrible situation and now I am even lacking the determination to ctb. The problem for me is that a part of me still hopes that my health issues might be curable, although I really don't know, if this is realistic at all. I am wondering, what needs to happen for me to actually be able to go through with ctb.