Venting Trying to give life a few more years, set a date for CTB

[Niko66]

Hi... I am new to SS so I guess this is my introduction, 24 NB/male from Central America. Last weekend I finally decided I will only try to see where life takes me in the next 6 years, I have been mentally ill since an early age and since then I have only become more so every year, physically too my health is deteriorating rapidly. I am also neurodivergent and queer which has made me so alone, never gonna have a relationship and can barely make friends. My parents instead of supporting me with mental issues just fucked me up even worse. My mother has had so much terrible impact on my mental health being manipulative and abusive. And what will ultimately take me... I am so anhedonic, almost nothing brings me any joy or pleasure anymore, every year I can see what little humanity and flicker of passion I had slipping away even more until I am nothing but a hollow husk in constant physical pain, anxiety and stress, I go through the motions but I barely feel any positive human emotions, it's like my brain is fried.

So I am making December 6 of 2027 my due date. One day of my life isn't unbearable but at the end of it my life has been nothing but decline, pain, illness and rejection, nothing of my life has been worth living so far and I don't want to live another 40+ years like this. Thus I take the rational decision that if in my first 30 years of my life nothing changes and I have done nothing but go downhill then there's little chance the next 30 will be any different. I make this is as a vow to myself to try and make sure I go through with it.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is just so horrible, I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. It is a dreadful feeling when things just get worse. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[dresdendoller]

Wow... I relate to a lot of what you're saying, you're a real trooper for waiting it out till you're 30. I'm hoping things improve for you in the coming years <3 I'm also waiting it out for the next couple of years or so.