Venting train tracks and bpd

[pinkladybug]

last year i moved to a different town, and knew i'd live right next to a forrest. there's train tracks from the city, going through the forest, to my town. these tracks in the forest are known for being used as a way to ctb. it's a monthly thing, (no idea why it's not closed up). especially since there's a mental institution very close by. they escape the facility so they can ctb there, or they go to the beach (which is also nearby), and walk into the sea. i feel like my mental health has been deteriorating even more these past few months. it's getting bad again, and i notice that i keep going a little bit further every time. going to the forest to "walk" at night. i havent told anyone about it.
not that there's people to tell. it's just so weird you know,
looks really don't mean anything. you can be the "prettiest" girl people know and they'll have no idea how bad i get. fuck looks. people have no depth these days. i can't stand being alone anymore. im so tired of the way my body works. i promise i have a good heart, im a kind person. i just can't live inside my head anymore, i really don't want to. it's only getting worse, every year. i feel like a complete loser. anyways, i keep going further every time. death scares the fuck out of me so i'll never force or try to convince myself to ctb wheni don't really want to. but i can be so impulsive. living with bpd is a genuine fucking disability, and then there's these brainless fucks who turn it into some kind of trend. i've never heard anyone with bpd say it gets better. feels like my own body is torturing itself and there's no way to get rid of it. what if i do it while in one of those episodes. i live alone, no one checks in on me. they wouldn't even realise for a few days if it wasn't for the cops doing their thing. i wonder if anyone will ever read this. probably not, just another 20yo ranting about some bs. ciao.

 

[MementoMori333]

Im not gonna pretend that I completely understand your experience, but I exhibit some symptoms that may or may not be bpd (I probably won't get tested until my mid 20s because of the way the system works in my country). I'm medicated, have been talking to a psychiatrist for 2 years now and honestly? It gets better, but I'm not fully healed. The mood swings are less intense because I'm on a mood stabiliser but the thoughts are still there. I can have somewhat of a normal life. I'm not here to tell you you're gonna be completely okay in a year or two or convincing you to go to therapy. In my situation there was some improvement, but it doesn't have to be like that for you. I'm just here to say that there is someone out there who understands you in some way and I hope you either get better or have a peaceful way to exit this world. The decision is up to you. :)