Damn. I had a good streak. But this evening hurts. My dad wanted to meet me. He always asks these stupid questions how bad was the bullying at school or he just lives in his fairy tale world that my life will be okay. You and mom ruined my life. Abused over a decade. Now I am a wreck. I have nothing. Most of the time I am just suffering. It is too little too late. We were in a shopping mal. I have seen guys with gfs, food I cannot eat due to my eating disorder and a lot of stuff which I won't be able to afford when I will live in poverty.
Moreover my best friend told me this evening about his sexual experiences with his first gf. I did not tell him this makes me depressed. But it makes me depressed as fuck. I am so lonely. I will never have a partner. I hope so strong something would just kill me. But I think in the end will have to do it with my own hands.
I am so scared about the future. Everything will be even worse. I cannot believe this is my "life". This is torture. I have now suicidal thoughts since 9 years. I am so scared when I hear people die with 91 their natural death. I am forced to do it. I am fed up after a decade. Everything seems to repeat itself and the hope has deteriorated a lot. I have read often this is the reason why people with psychosis/bipolar ctb. They recognize this is all a cycle, I am damned this illness has ruined everything and it keeps ruining everything.
Moreover my best friend told me this evening about his sexual experiences with his first gf. I did not tell him this makes me depressed. But it makes me depressed as fuck. I am so lonely. I will never have a partner. I hope so strong something would just kill me. But I think in the end will have to do it with my own hands.
I am so scared about the future. Everything will be even worse. I cannot believe this is my "life". This is torture. I have now suicidal thoughts since 9 years. I am so scared when I hear people die with 91 their natural death. I am forced to do it. I am fed up after a decade. Everything seems to repeat itself and the hope has deteriorated a lot. I have read often this is the reason why people with psychosis/bipolar ctb. They recognize this is all a cycle, I am damned this illness has ruined everything and it keeps ruining everything.
