I have no idea why I keep subjecting myself to this. I mean, I suppose I have some idea. I'm married and have three kids who depend on me for shelter, food and clothing.
The hard part is doing something - anything - to improve my life station. Most of my time and effort goes into keeping my head above water. Getting work, paying bills, driving my kids to and from activities.
I'm just so tired of the constant pain, humiliation and frustration that goes into everyday life. My wife has had enough of me. I don't make nearly enough to give ourselves a good life, and I'm too emotionally unstable to get secure work. My kids are sick to death of having a flaky and unstable father. I'm a source of embarrassment for our family. They hate me, and I understand. I'm not a good person.
In my wildest fantasies I just die in my sleep. Sometimes in the day I'll fantasize about just wandering off and becoming homeless.
But deep down I know I have to just make it until my kids are adults and they can support themselves. It's the bare minimum, after all I brought them into this world.
I just wish I was something more than I am. If I were braver, I could kill myself. If I were stronger, I could work hard to improve my life position. But I'm not. I'm a piece of human shit.
To that end, maybe that's why I'm suffering so much. I deserve to go through hell on earth. But it doesn't stop me from wishing every day that I could get even a moment of relief.
The hard part is doing something - anything - to improve my life station. Most of my time and effort goes into keeping my head above water. Getting work, paying bills, driving my kids to and from activities.
I'm just so tired of the constant pain, humiliation and frustration that goes into everyday life. My wife has had enough of me. I don't make nearly enough to give ourselves a good life, and I'm too emotionally unstable to get secure work. My kids are sick to death of having a flaky and unstable father. I'm a source of embarrassment for our family. They hate me, and I understand. I'm not a good person.
In my wildest fantasies I just die in my sleep. Sometimes in the day I'll fantasize about just wandering off and becoming homeless.
But deep down I know I have to just make it until my kids are adults and they can support themselves. It's the bare minimum, after all I brought them into this world.
I just wish I was something more than I am. If I were braver, I could kill myself. If I were stronger, I could work hard to improve my life position. But I'm not. I'm a piece of human shit.
To that end, maybe that's why I'm suffering so much. I deserve to go through hell on earth. But it doesn't stop me from wishing every day that I could get even a moment of relief.
