MicahBell
the coke keeps me slim, booze gives me personality
- Feb 11, 2025
- 135
i'm back again.
i feel guilty returning to SaSu when i'm supposed to be dead, i feel like i've lied to people. I didn't lie, i just failed. somehow i am simultaneously too weak to live and too weak to die.
since my goodbye thread, i think it was a couple of months ago, i have failed. multiple times. I planned on doing the night-night method but that was never going to work and i was very desperate. since then i've tried to overdose and i've tried the yew method, and was briefly hospitalised.
i'm lucky i've lived my entire life masking. or maybe its the people around me. where i can try to kill myself and they'll easily believe me when i say i'm okay.
i am too weak and cowardly to change my life. there is not one thing i like about myself or my life. i'm miserable working or going to school, i'm miserable around my family. i hate them and i am stuck with them. my cat died 3 weeks ago. country has gone completely to shit. said they'll kill trans people like me, committing ecocide, i can hardly fathom that there will even be a world to live in in a few years. i cannot think of a single reason to live but when I try to kill myself i'm either too weak to bear the pain or too stupid to do it right.
i have one thing i'm passionate about but i can't do it. i just can't pick myself up. i'm exhausted enough just fulfilling my basic responsibilities, living day by day burnt out in this capitalist hellscape. i don't have the energy to pursue anything i'm passionate and my family just makes it harder. they kill everything i am passionate about but i cannot move away from them.
i lost any will to live after my cat died last month. and i've lost any guilt i had about hurting my family. turns out i was more scared about having my elderly cat live out the rest of his days missing me. i went to a show this monday. it was the most fun i've had in years. but i realised i'll never be able to express myself the way those people can. i'll never get to be my unabashed self the way that other people can. those people are just more beautiful and more strong than i could ever be. i feel very lost like its all already over. nothing left to hang on for, nothing left to look forward to.
i just cant pick myself up at all. the only ways things will get better is if i can put in the work to make things better and im just not strong enough. I'm weak and a coward. i'm so ashamed of who i am, and my inability to become someone better.
my friend tried to kill herself a few weeks ago. she hasn't responded to me since but i hear she's in an extended stay at the hospital. currently my only hope is to maybe get opioids from her because i know she helps other people sell drugs, and maybe i can OD on that. i know it won't be the most pure but i cant access the dark web to source opioids.
sorry for the yapping nobody will probably read 🫩🫩 just needed to put my thoughts into the void…
i feel guilty returning to SaSu when i'm supposed to be dead, i feel like i've lied to people. I didn't lie, i just failed. somehow i am simultaneously too weak to live and too weak to die.
since my goodbye thread, i think it was a couple of months ago, i have failed. multiple times. I planned on doing the night-night method but that was never going to work and i was very desperate. since then i've tried to overdose and i've tried the yew method, and was briefly hospitalised.
i'm lucky i've lived my entire life masking. or maybe its the people around me. where i can try to kill myself and they'll easily believe me when i say i'm okay.
i am too weak and cowardly to change my life. there is not one thing i like about myself or my life. i'm miserable working or going to school, i'm miserable around my family. i hate them and i am stuck with them. my cat died 3 weeks ago. country has gone completely to shit. said they'll kill trans people like me, committing ecocide, i can hardly fathom that there will even be a world to live in in a few years. i cannot think of a single reason to live but when I try to kill myself i'm either too weak to bear the pain or too stupid to do it right.
i have one thing i'm passionate about but i can't do it. i just can't pick myself up. i'm exhausted enough just fulfilling my basic responsibilities, living day by day burnt out in this capitalist hellscape. i don't have the energy to pursue anything i'm passionate and my family just makes it harder. they kill everything i am passionate about but i cannot move away from them.
i lost any will to live after my cat died last month. and i've lost any guilt i had about hurting my family. turns out i was more scared about having my elderly cat live out the rest of his days missing me. i went to a show this monday. it was the most fun i've had in years. but i realised i'll never be able to express myself the way those people can. i'll never get to be my unabashed self the way that other people can. those people are just more beautiful and more strong than i could ever be. i feel very lost like its all already over. nothing left to hang on for, nothing left to look forward to.
i just cant pick myself up at all. the only ways things will get better is if i can put in the work to make things better and im just not strong enough. I'm weak and a coward. i'm so ashamed of who i am, and my inability to become someone better.
my friend tried to kill herself a few weeks ago. she hasn't responded to me since but i hear she's in an extended stay at the hospital. currently my only hope is to maybe get opioids from her because i know she helps other people sell drugs, and maybe i can OD on that. i know it won't be the most pure but i cant access the dark web to source opioids.
sorry for the yapping nobody will probably read 🫩🫩 just needed to put my thoughts into the void…
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