Too late to be saved. My traumas ruins everything.

[Hollowillow]

I met a very kind man. But I said that I hoped that being traumatized by a 39 years old pedo won't stop me from loving him... He thought I was accusing him. I'm mortified. My traumas ruin everything.

I lived with intense mold. I was so scared to bring it to my new dream home that I washed everything with acid... My body can't tolerate it. I've been twisting in agony & dizzy confused as hell for months... Eyes & skin melting off... Agony... Shame...

But hurting someone who was kind to me... I have deep regret.

I wasted all my opportunities in life due to trauma. Unable from fear, or having nothing positive to say...

I'm conflicted about what I want and what I am able... Everything... Nothing...

I am affraid to die. I wish I could live. But my only relief will be death...

I am affraid to love. I wish I could be loved. But even if I was I would ruin it... They'd be better off without me.

I wish I could flee from myself.

I'm so beyond pain, saving and love...

Still... Thank you... And I'm sorry. To everyone who tried for me...

I have a doctor appointment but I wish I could hang myself now... So dizzy from fumes... Already half dead... Can't go out... Too weak...

So conflicted between what I want & are able...

I can't reach my dreams... I ruined them.

I... Must die...

I'm so scared... So sorry... I wish someone could save me... I was given a home but I poisonned it more than ever...

I wish... To be saved... To be loved... To be... Dead...

I'm screaming inside...

So much torture... Many Self inflicted... It spreads to everything I touch... The more i try to fix it the worst it gets...

I need to be fixed ...

I'm too dizzy & brain damaged to lie... But I am tormented by what I want vs can do...

I want to live but can't.
I want to die but can't.
I want to love but can't.
I want to be loved but can't.
I want to go out but I'm too weak I can't.
I want to stay home but I poisonned it I can't.

Thank you for the fleeding dream, it was good before I ruined it too...

I was assaulted many times, accidents, diseases... Please SI... Please let me die... Please...

I wish I could cry in my lover's arms & flee by going live with him... But I'm scared to be touched, of people, of love, of life...

Even if I was given heaven I'd turn it into hell.

My new home was perfect, the acid burns in & out like hell...

Calling for help made people hate me... Everyone call me a liar... About my abuse, my pain... And now even my love...

Why... How can I stop being so shitty... Hide pain... Be positive...

I can't... Pain is all I have... All I gave...

I'm so sorry.

Maybe the anime psycho pass was right... The victim gets tainted & become as bad as the criminal.

I'm so sorry... So sorry... So sorry...

 

[Lookingtotalk]

I am sorry for your suffering, i am suffering too

 

[Hollowillow]

I am sorry for your suffering, i am suffering too

Thank you for answering my plea... I hope you'll find a way to feel better.

If you need a hug consider it done... I need one...

I went to take a shower, the humidity reached 90%, steam on the mirror... I feel like I drank varnish, my tongue & throat are swollen. Maybe from using the wrong acid cleaners... But maybe the new building has cheap toxic chemicals... I'm a fragile snow flake... I wish to melt away... I wish we could drink fatal stuff together. Or get in a cabin in the woods filled with dinamite... Would be instant for real...

I hope you'll sleep gently.

Sorry for my caotic brain... I'm brain damaged.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds unbearable what you have to endure. I'm sorry that you suffer so much, none of us here should have to endure such pain. I wish you peace and freedom.