thread #1 up to my death

[Vombie12]

I'm not sure when I will do it, maybe I'll even be able to get out of this episode, but this is the first time I've ever reached so low. So, I want to kind of document my time until I do it. I've written my final goodbye on paper (for whenever that is), I know what method I want to go out by, and I've tested to make sure it will probably work. This isn't for anyone, more myself. I just am open to advice, support, etc.

So, this is #1 ig. My reasons? I'm 99% sure I have chronic BPD, I have all of the symptoms and have always scored insane scores on tests, but am too scared to get an official diagnosis and have it down on my record. I am diagnosed with MDD, Chronic anxiety and CPTSD, so it's not like it's that shocking. But, I have no support. I'll be honest, all I need is a support system. I've begged for one, told my parents everything, nothing. I don't have the money, and my parent who I live with wont help at all- and I am simply not capable of seeking support on my own. It only drives ppl away. So, now I'm all on my own and have no one. And maybe that's okay, considering I want to kill myself.

I've had ideation about this since I was ten. Every night, I have dreams of myself/loved ones commiting, I always have thoughts of suicide and sometimes it gets top graphic even for me to handle, and it's always my 'solution' to act out suicide without actually doing it. So, I just think its destined. Not that I'm pro suicide- and I feel guilty for wanting to do it, but it's my freedom.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I also have bpd, and suffer tremendously because of it. I know what it feels like to have this disorder and lack a support system. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I truly get how terrible it is and I could never wish this hell upon anyone. I really hope you can get the support you need and improve your situation for the better. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to hit me up.