Venting Thought i was fine but the feeling came back

[Houkki6404]

It's been months since ive been here, my sudden depressive episode that occured from march to june last year had ended
I was fine, i just didn't feel anything, i didn't think about at.
now its my first semester at uni and a single bad grade at chemistry fucked my head all over again
Its literally the first test, its no big deal, but im feeling Awful, in literally 20 minutes since i saw that grade i spiralled back to the place i once was, i just idk man, every time something bad happens my default setting is to just "hm i should kill myself! It would fix everything!" And it sucks because i cant find a way to break this pattern
I know u guys dont like to read this kind of post, i know you guys want to read texts of people who are actually close to killing themselves
But i dont have anyone to talk abt this
Sorry either way

 

[bankai]

That feeling never really goes for me. It's always there in the back of my head. I push it as far back as I can. But it's there.A day will probably come when I'll casually push the button. No note, no warning. I'll just do it and be gone. Till that day comes though, let's struggle on. Struggle on struggler.

 

[Cirno]

I was in this place several years ago. Going in and out of suicidal thoughts. I got later diagnosed with BPD. I don't know what to tell you, to be honest... You're really unstable with your emotions going from one extreme to another extreme. I know how you feel. It's like a freaking rollercoaster

 

[Houkki6404]

I was in this place several years ago. Going in and out of suicidal thoughts. I got later diagnosed with BPD. I don't know what to tell you, to be honest... You're really unstable with your emotions going from one extreme to another extreme. I know how you feel. It's like a freaking rollercoaster

First of all, nice venti pfp
Second of all omfg i hate how easily my feelings change, even in a span of a day or so like
Now im feeling ok..? Im not angry anymore and im not thinking abt it, but if something happens again i know for sure ill start having those thought again
I crave stability, but my mind is far from stable

 

[Forever Sleep]

Firstly, you don't need to apologise for the 'type' of suicidal you are. The forum is for anyone struggling. I'm sorry that your recent grades have caused you to spiral.

I don't mean to go all pro-life here- which is also something that annoys some members. Obviously, if it's annoying to you, feel free to ignore...

However, seeing as these thoughts don't exactly seem wanted. That it feels distressing that this not great news has made them resurface, are they something you want to fight?

Are you receiving any therapy inside or outside the college for them? If they are something you want rid of or, to learn how to cope with or suppress, I think it might be worth considering asking for some support. Maybe not being totally straight forward. More that you're struggling with very negative feelings and have experienced ideation in the past. I hope the feelings pass.

 

[Cirno]

First of all, nice venti pfp
Second of all omfg i hate how easily my feelings change, even in a span of a day or so like
Now im feeling ok..? Im not angry anymore and im not thinking abt it, but if something happens again i know for sure ill start having those thought again
I crave stability, but my mind is far from stable

Yes, I feel the same. I crave to do something to myself or someone else even when some totally minor, not important thing happens. It's really tiring. I feel u

 

[hiddenbpd]

I, too, have hit a brick wall of CTB thoughts and wanting to actively plan. This is my norm once the nicer weather comes. If I can't enjoy it, might as well not experience it at all. I cycle monthly because of PMDD so I relate to feeling like the cycle never ends and like I have no control over it. Every 2 weeks I'm miserable and near active suicidal thoughts for 2 weeks. Truly feels like a cycle worthy of death.