Discussion Those who are planning/wanting to CTB but have loved ones, how do you feel about leaving your loved ones with grief?

[werewolfgirl]

I am not currently planning to CTB as I feel like I am currently still too young and I would still like to live out a few years of my life and then start planning an actual CTB plan if it doesn't get better than this. My gripe with this is, though, is that I have people around me that do genuinely care for me, and the thought of leaving them with grief by suddenly CTB'ing is causing me to feel very bad for them, as I wouldn't want them to feel sad at all but I know I will not be able to prevent that from happening.

What are your insights/perspectives on this? Do you struggle with this too or do you view it very differently? I'd love to hear how people think about this topic.

 

[hocus pocus]

I do sometimes think about how my mom or partner would feel. But i'll be dead so it doesn't really matter, i wouldn't have to witness it.

 

[Grasp of darkness]

I feel the exact same way as you. Still feel like there's some avenues I can try before I completely give up.
Additionally, I have very loving parents that I also care about a lot. I know it would tear them apart if i would kill myself. They would think of it as their own mistake, would think of why they didn't do things differently,... I absolutely do not want that under any circumstances.
Therefore I will have to wait until they pass away themselves, which might still be 20 years or more.
Might aswell try out as many things as I can until that time. I think it will also give me peace that before killing myself, I know that I have exhausted all my options.
If there isn't anything that I could have done more, I can truly be at peace.

 

[BradGuy123]

I feel the same way and have had the same thoughts. If I took my own life there are two people who would be devastated. I would feel guilty for doing that to them and that guilt might stop me from doing it. I hope my life circumstances never degrade to the point where I have to do it.

 

[itsgone2]

It's completely awful. I don't know what to do about it though. I don't have the capacity to fix any of this.

 

[yuihinafan]

I have thought hard and long about this, i know it will be very hard on my father and mother as they both suffer from deppression/ptsd, but i have come to terms that i just simply have to push past that thought because they both have never been good to me when growing up, as for my siblings im sure they will get over me eventually.

 

[pieceoffox]

Yes, they will be sad, and I really don't want that to happen. However, I reserve the right to do whatever I want with my body and my life. And I hope they understand and accept my choice. In any case, after a while the emotions will subside, and everyone will move on with their lives.

 

[failedmind]

i'm really sad to be leaving them, but they are well aware of how severe my mental illnesses are and how horrible i feel everyday so i hope they can at least understand a little bit. i know it will crush them though and there's nothing much i can do but just accept that and make the best decision for myself. but it does hurt me a lot to think about

 

[ruhyytey5o86]

I'm sure they will be sad. But theyll move on and get over it soon.

They are living their lives, they'll be fine.

 

[GodChallengesMe]

My mother knows that I'm under real risk of doing this but whatever, I think they just don't give a fuck about it but pretend as if they're bothered about my situation.

I try not to think about what will happen here after I'm gone. I hope I won't witness anything because I would choose not to given the choice if somehow we end up here again, even temporarily.

So, even though I'm sure my mother will be left devastated, I can't help but proceed into this cause there's nothing left for me to continue here. I've long written a suicide note where I'm explaining that she must understand my decision and just move on. I don't know, maybe she might kill herself after this but I just can't stay no matter what.

 

[Scythe]

It's me or them, I don't own them decades of suffering, and honestly, this will benefit them. My family doesn't have to finicially support me anymore. It's mainly my family anyways, my frirnds are SS related mostly and they'll understand.
My family also haven't been the best so in a way this is a get back at them so I can forgive them. Messed up, sure, am I just trying to make it easier on myself? Also yes, but it's not like they're the best family out there.

 

[dimlight]

I have many loved ones but it's like nothing I experience with them stops that horrible curdling feeling in my chest from emerging after every interaction. I love them but my hatred of that feeling outweighs the love. They will move on because I need this.

I experienced tremendous grief when my dad died years ago. It hurt me like hell but I continued living after because that's what you do. It'll be the same when I go. Humans adapt.

 

[canidiealreadyy]

I am not currently planning to CTB as I feel like I am currently still too young and I would still like to live out a few years of my life and then start planning an actual CTB plan if it doesn't get better than this. My gripe with this is, though, is that I have people around me that do genuinely care for me, and the thought of leaving them with grief by suddenly CTB'ing is causing me to feel very bad for them, as I wouldn't want them to feel sad at all but I know I will not be able to prevent that from happening.

What are your insights/perspectives on this? Do you struggle with this too or do you view it very differently? I'd love to hear how people think about this topic.

for me, ive always known ctb was the way i was going to pass. i think i would rather die young, then wait until I feel like ive experienced everything i want to experience or im never going to end up doing it. and i will spend the rest of my life wanting to die. there are so many people that i know that my death will affect them so deeply that it makes me want to make my ctb look like an accident so they don't blame them themselves or think it was their fault. but as time will pass they will get over it whatever is wrong with me i don't think i will ever get over. i think right now the person that i feel the most guilt towards is my ex boyfriend as i have told him my plans and he has begged me several times on several different days to not do it and reconsider. he has shared that he feels the same way i do at several points in his life but he doesn't want me to die. i'm a little worried that he might try and follow in my footsteps and even if he doesn't, i know it will unfortunately weigh very heavily on him. i regret telling him anything.

 

[TAW122]

I'm well past the point of caring or leaving behind "pain" for others, since I never agreed to come into existence (in reality, no living organism or being chose or consented to be conceived), and also my relationship with my parents aren't the best. I wouldn't be just leaving pain for the sake of spite, but mainly because I am going to avoid suffering unnecessarily and the longer I keep deferring, postponing, or enduring, the more pain I face. I've reached a point where I'm just so over it and done with all the mess that sentience (along with future problems) has to offer. Ideally, in a world where nobody has to suffer, that would be the best, but of course, that isn't the reality in which we live in/exist in.

 

[BurntToCinders]

I struggle with this a lot, but I have full faith in my friends and loved ones that they'll understand that we all have to go at some point, and that this is just how I'm gonna end up shuffling off. I love them all, and have made it really clear in my note that I don't blame any of them, and that I love them all so much.

I plan to make the transitional period as easy as possible for them. I'm going to transfer all my bank assets to my family, and have stated in my note that everything is their to divy up. I'm gonna clean my room, do my laundry, and make sure they have to do as little work as possible. I don't want to be buried, as that causes so much more strain. I state in the note to just cremate me. I plan on leaving a sticky note with the location I choose to CTB at, so they know where my body will be.

I just want to help them as much as I can. It helps me feel a little less selfish, I guess. Still feel terrible about it, but hey, it's gotta happen sometime.

 

[bruised_reed]

My loved ones are disturbed by the deterioration of my mental health. I think they would feel some level of relief when I pass and they are already grieving the loss of me while I'm still alive.

 

[Forveleth]

My "loved ones" are the reason I am here. Their grief is a bonus along with the relief from suffering my death will bring me.

 

[DoomsdayCTB]

I don't give a fuck. That's the whole point. They are abusive to me. Left me with serious CPTSD.

 

[Kokonoe]

i cant even imagine having loved ones. especially loved one that would feel any sort of negative effects if i were gone. it's hard to believe that someone can have people who love them and would miss them, and still want to ctb. some people really are just living in entirely different worlds i guess.