Discussion How do you feel about causing grief?

[dogemn]

If life feels completely unbearable and it was forced on you without your say, how do you feel about the guilt of putting your parents through grief if you choose to end it? Does their pain really mean you have to keep suffering just to spare them, or is that kinda putting you in an emotional hostage situation after they rolled the dice by having you?

 

[Fadenself00_]

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[nepentheic0]

my own brother told me to die after my failed attempt so not really

in a cruel way I hope ppl r sad so then I'll acc be cared about once even if it takes my death for them to
they dont care when Im alive so I shouldnt care if they suddenly care when Im dead

 

[Jadeith]

Does their pain really mean you have to keep suffering just to spare them

Yes. My parents are good people and do not deserve the pain of burying their own child. I do not blame them that i ended up with fucked up mind, only myself.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Logically speaking, I think it was terribly unfair for them to inflict this life on me. Especially seeing as there was enough going on for them to be able to predict how it could well turn out for all of us.

I also rather cruelly- question sometimes- whether my remaining parent deserves what I'm sparing him from. Considering that practically speaking- he has reapeatedly exposed me to grief and bullying. He's clearly chosen other people and himself over me on multiple occassions- so- why shouldn't I do the same?

That all said, overall, he's not a bad person. He's done lots of good things too. It sounds as if he stopped himself committing suicide (after my Mum died) for my sake- so- I do feel a debt to do the same.

Plus, emotionally- there is a block there for me. I simply feel like I can't cause that grief for him- because I do love and care about him.

That though- also causes resentment in me. I'm so tired of living with this responsibility. I'm so tired of dealing with all the responsibilities life entails. Every single thing I come up against- that I hate doing- which is so much now, I'm aware that I'm having to do it for his sake. It's exhausting living like this. Plus- I know I can't show these emotions to him so- there's that too. All this masking. It all just feels unbearable but then, I know I have to bear it until I'm free to leave.

 

[StupiderJuniper]

i have no guilt towards the grief my parents (or my family in general tbh) will experience, they caused the sheer majority of the horrible things that drove me to this point, and only chose to make it worse every time. i do have some guilt about the grief everyone else who i love would feel though, so i live for them. its hurtful, but im willing to suffer for them for now.

 

[Forveleth]

I have been living my life for everyone else to keep them happy. My reward is that I am here. It is time for me to make a choice that will result in my happiness and if that causes everyone else grief, well, it is finally their turn to suffer.

 

[hurts2b]

I don't feel bad about my parents. They weren't good to me growing up.

I feel bad about the grief I'd cause to one of my siblings though. I don't want them to suffer in my absence.

Other than that. I'm not super well connected. So. It'd be alright, maybe. Minimal impact.

 

[iwashere]

obv i don't want my parents to be in debilitating grief, but i've become so desensitized and accepting of the idea that they're gonna be sad and that was basically the last thing stopping me from making a plan to go through with it. maniacally i kinda want everyone else who knew me to be absolutely torn w grief, partially because they didn't see it coming. i want it to be the biggest shock ever which is why ive doubled down on the larping although again this is a fantasy and whats likely to happen is the complete opposite of what i want, my parents are going to become extremely unstable and inconsolable but everybody else is gonna go "errrrm… uhh… yikes okay … yeaaaa uh… that's certainly a choice…"

I have been living my life for everyone else to keep them happy. My reward is that I am here. It is time for me to make a choice that will result in my happiness and if that causes everyone else grief, well, it is finally their turn to suffer.

i think i've said this exact thing to myself before wtfwtfwtf im so happy im not the only person who uses this logic

 

[gothbird]

Grief is unavoidable. To love someone is to volunteer for a future wound. Every parent knows this, whether they admit it or not. The moment they bring a child into the world, they gamble against entropy. One day, one of them will bury the other.
You did not ask to exist. That is true. Existence was given to you before you could consent. Your life is not a debt to be repaid simply because someone created it. But neither is love a chain.
Your parents' grief does not create an obligation for you to suffer forever. Their love is not a prison sentence. If life has become unbearable, the answer is not that you deserve to keep hurting so someone else doesn't have to.

At the same time, your pain does not erase theirs. Two truths can occupy the same room. You can be drowning while someone on the shore is already mourning the thought of losing you.
The mistake is believing only one kind of suffering matters.

I don't believe guilt is a good reason to stay alive.
I believe possibility is.
The strange thing about consciousness is that it keeps mutating. The person who cannot imagine tomorrow is still trying to predict it with a mind that has only ever known today. Despair is convincing because it speaks with your own voice.

So how do I feel about causing grief?
I don't think you are responsible for carrying tomorrow's grief before it has even arrived. Every life leaves sorrow behind. Every love is a promise that one heart will eventually outlive another. That is the bargain existence makes with all of us.
You are not guilty simply because someone would mourn you. Grief is not evidence that you have committed a moral wrong. It is evidence that you were loved.
Love cannot demand a lifetime of suffering in return for its own fear of loss. If it does, it stops being love and becomes ownership.

See you in the stars someday.

 

[oilsaniok]

bad, but i don't have a choice

 

[peacebenow]

Guilty for inflicting pain and suffering even though I also hold feelings that could make me feel the opposite. it is complicated and the process of dying is anything but easy.

 

[HNR_]

The only ones that I care about hurting are my father and, to a much lesser degree, my grandma since my family sucks and my mother already passed away over a decade ago now
I don't feel guilty about it though, things out of my control pushed to my limits, shit sucks but it is what it is

 

[Lamentice]

Estranged. Doesn't matter because I am estranged.

 

[buriedinmyhead]

I feel guilty about it, but there's not much else to do. At the very least, I know it'll only be some family grieving me, I don't think anyone else will (and I don't want them to)

 

[dogemn]

Grief is unavoidable. To love someone is to volunteer for a future wound. Every parent knows this, whether they admit it or not. The moment they bring a child into the world, they gamble against entropy. One day, one of them will bury the other.
You did not ask to exist. That is true. Existence was given to you before you could consent. Your life is not a debt to be repaid simply because someone created it. But neither is love a chain.
Your parents' grief does not create an obligation for you to suffer forever. Their love is not a prison sentence. If life has become unbearable, the answer is not that you deserve to keep hurting so someone else doesn't have to.

At the same time, your pain does not erase theirs. Two truths can occupy the same room. You can be drowning while someone on the shore is already mourning the thought of losing you.
The mistake is believing only one kind of suffering matters.

I don't believe guilt is a good reason to stay alive.
I believe possibility is.
The strange thing about consciousness is that it keeps mutating. The person who cannot imagine tomorrow is still trying to predict it with a mind that has only ever known today. Despair is convincing because it speaks with your own voice.

So how do I feel about causing grief?
I don't think you are responsible for carrying tomorrow's grief before it has even arrived. Every life leaves sorrow behind. Every love is a promise that one heart will eventually outlive another. That is the bargain existence makes with all of us.
You are not guilty simply because someone would mourn you. Grief is not evidence that you have committed a moral wrong. It is evidence that you were loved.
Love cannot demand a lifetime of suffering in return for its own fear of loss. If it does, it stops being love and becomes ownership.

See you in the stars someday.

I love your writing! It's amazing

 

[FuneralCry]

The way I see it humans shouldn't be forced to suffer in this torturous, dreadful existence that just never should had been imposed at all, to suffer in this existence will always be the most terrible mistake to me.

It's just so dreadful how humans cause all this torturous suffering there was never a need for by imposing this existence at all, making existence into a prison where one cannot peacefully escape is just terrible extreme cruelty to me.

 

[needtofindrightway]

I feel guilty. Bad. But on the other hand my loved ones worry for me now. When they don't know where I am, they are deadly afraid. I wonder if my suicide wouldn't relieve them in some way because they wouldn't need to worry anymore. It would finally be over.

 

[neverexistedd]

I don't care about that, you can call me cruel but oh well

 

[yotaka]

It's the biggest thing keeping me chained here. Every time I'm on the precipice, thoughts of my loved ones finding out flood in and absolutely crush me. How could I do that to them? I don't want the end of my suffering to cause even more suffering. I don't know what to do...

 

[KatalinaKrimson]

It's been the #1 thing preventing me from ending it basically my whole life.

I think you have to meditate on solipsism. Remind yourself that literally nothing exists after you die. Not just nothing exists for you. Nothing exists period.

 

[violetforever]

at the moment, i dont care. i guess my own despair got in the way.

 

[Redhand5]

In my culture, CTB is a personal choice. Yes it will cause grief, sadness, maybe guilt, and many other emotions. Grief is the cost of love though. They love me, and I'm taking a selfish choice. I feel guilty for that, but I've accepted it. I'm in a situation that no one can help me with, our family land is now a part of our divorce and if the divorce is settled I'll have to sell it to cover other costs. That's not something I find acceptable. So I guess it isn't truly selfish. The point is that the grief and sadness will be worth something, it'll have a purpose. And after being in the army, being the eldest sibling, and always trying to take care of people, this is just another act to protect something. That sense of purpose helps me deal with the thoughts of the grief that I will cause.
You may not have the same thing, but if you can find a purpose for your act it might make it easier.

 

[Exhausted546]

If life feels completely unbearable and it was forced on you without your say, how do you feel about the guilt of putting your parents through grief if you choose to end it? Does their pain really mean you have to keep suffering just to spare them, or is that kinda putting you in an emotional hostage situation after they rolled the dice by having you?

IDC anymore

My family caused me untold levels of pain,grief,trauma for the past 11 years and wanted to keep stomping over my traumas and life for the remainder of my life as I stay silent and accept all abuse until the end

Why should I value how they feel? This greatly facilitate my decision, don't give a shit about their feelings the same way they never gave a shit about mines,it's only fair I embrace the last amount of agency I have over my life

 

[Redhand5]

IDC anymore

My family caused me untold levels of pain,grief,trauma for the past 11 years and wanted to keep stomping over my traumas and life for the remainder of my life as I stay silent and accept all abuse until the end

Why should I value how they feel? This greatly facilitate my decision, don't give a shit about their feelings the same way they never gave a shit about mines,it's only fair I embrace the last amount of agency I have over my life

That sounds like a dreadful experience. Quite a burden to carry all on your own, this life is full of such examples of it being unfair for us humans. We never asked to be born, and those that brought us here have often directly contributed to our pain and suffering. You have my sympathies and empathy. I hope you find success with your agency any way you wish to apply it.

 

[LRkin]

Actually, that's the main reason why I keep moving and keep living. And despite all the trauma and stuff, I don't really want to blame them. They didn't know better. And even if their love and care somewhat messed up, I don't really want to break their hearts.

 

[Bitter Almonds]

My dad killed himself. it's no surprise I'm going to do the same. mom will be devastated, but she'll spend time with her grandkids (my sister's kids) and will slowly get better.

 

[melodrama]

Terrible. Distressed. Devastated. I cry and feel anxious when I think about the pain I'm going to cause. My family's life isn't exactly great, but they are still good to me. Not perfect, since I often lack support, but good enough that I never want to make them suffer like that. I know they'll suffer deeply if I die.

For now, that's the only reason I'm still alive. Maybe guilt will take over and keep me alive forever. Maybe my sadness will grow stronger than the guilt, and I'll finally be free. Only time will tell.

 

[DeadManLiving]

I think about this all the time. It's tragic.

 

[MyPropellerWontSpin]

it kills me, both of my siblings are getting married soon (one for sure) and i cant believe that my pathetic mentally ill ass might ruin all that for them, i hate this i hate it