Venting this june might be my last one

[23421]

i finally have enough to afford SN. it's one click and one walk to the post office away from me. what a surreal feeling.

i woke up feeling okay today in comparison to yesterday, but only a few hours later i could feel my mind being swallowed by this intense feeling of loneliness, grief, despair and… nostalgia? the painful kind that stabs you right in your guts. almost a year has passed since some important dates and my mind won't stop remembering, thinking over them, comparing where i was then and where i am now. it's sickening. i don't want to live through this.

i have this nagging feeling of dying "too early", like there is still something i must wait for, there is something i've yet to see and experience, it's hard to explain. but god, it's so painful and i can't run away at all because this pain will chase me in my dreams anyway. it's scary. dying is scary. i am scared to die. i know i will die alone. i know i wont get to talk to anyone when i die. i wont be loved when i die. i get scared of "hell" and "eternal punishment" even though i've been an atheist my whole life.

i know im cursed forever to be unhappy. to never be on the same level "normal people" are - i have BPD and the excruciating pain people like me go through daily is the reason why so many of us die by suicide.

i just want to be free.

 

[Defatigatis]

I relate with you in certain aspects, felt almost the same sensations when i got my hands on the sn a year ago when i still had a bottle with me...and that felling of a possible hell...yeah, that too. I particularly see that as a way that our conscious mind finds to bring the survival instinct to the surface.

About the felling of "losing things", i think we all are gonna lose something because in the end we are predisposed to die at some point, that being dying by our own hands or by natural causes. It is inevitable

And indeed, realizing that we are so different and incompatible with this miserable world is really something...just the fact that we consider forcing our departure here, planning everything...shows that our pain is unbearable.

Much love to you, i'm sorry that things have come to this, kind person </3

 

[23421]

I relate with you in certain aspects, felt almost the same sensations when i got my hands on the sn a year ago when i still had a bottle with me...and that felling of a possible hell...yeah, that too. I particularly see that as a way that our conscious mind finds to bring the survival instinct to the surface.

About the felling of "losing things", i think we all are gonna lose something because in the end we are predisposed to die at some point, that being dying by our own hands or by natural causes. It is inevitable

And indeed, realizing that we are so different and incompatible with this miserable world is really something...just the fact that we consider forcing our departure here, planning everything...shows that our pain is unbearable.

Much love to you, i'm sorry that things have come to this, kind person </3

thank you for the kind words, it really means a lot. what kind of helps me to make peace with death is that if i decide to do it, there will be no "future me" to enjoy things or have experiences. i can't regret missing out on something that can't happen. and i will most definitely save tons and tons of pain that potential "future me" could have felt

 

[Defatigatis]

thank you for the kind words, it really means a lot. what kind of helps me to make peace with death is that if i decide to do it, there will be no "future me" to enjoy things or have experiences. i can't regret missing out on something that can't happen. and i will most definitely save tons and tons of pain that potential "future me" could have felt

Thank YOU for creating this thread and expressing your feelings in words <3

Your argument makes a lot of sense, it reminded me of a phrase i once heard: "you're not missing out if you don't want it."

 

[rainbowunicorn]

i finally have enough to afford SN. it's one click and one walk to the post office away from me. what a surreal feeling.

i woke up feeling okay today in comparison to yesterday, but only a few hours later i could feel my mind being swallowed by this intense feeling of loneliness, grief, despair and… nostalgia? the painful kind that stabs you right in your guts. almost a year has passed since some important dates and my mind won't stop remembering, thinking over them, comparing where i was then and where i am now. it's sickening. i don't want to live through this.

i have this nagging feeling of dying "too early", like there is still something i must wait for, there is something i've yet to see and experience, it's hard to explain. but god, it's so painful and i can't run away at all because this pain will chase me in my dreams anyway. it's scary. dying is scary. i am scared to die. i know i will die alone. i know i wont get to talk to anyone when i die. i wont be loved when i die. i get scared of "hell" and "eternal punishment" even though i've been an atheist my whole life.

i know im cursed forever to be unhappy. to never be on the same level "normal people" are - i have BPD and the excruciating pain people like me go through daily is the reason why so many of us die by suicide.

i just want to be free.

i relate to you so much. i'm also dying alone & unloved & i've never felt more miserable.

 

[itsoverforme303]

I was planning to die in June (because I wanted to die on my birthday) but I don't think I can keep going. Sometime in the next couple of weeks might be it for me.

 

[23421]

I was planning to die in June (because I wanted to die on my birthday) but I don't think I can keep going. Sometime in the next couple of weeks might be it for me.

i'm sorry life has become so unbearable… on an unrelated note, "burn my dread" is a great song if this is what your signature is referencing.

 

[itsoverforme303]

on an unrelated note, "burn my dread" is a great song if this is what your signature is referencing.

Yes it is

 

[Griever]

I think June will also be the last month for me to be alive and I've already picked a day where I'm going to do it