Things are not magically better

[bobert]

I stopped going to therapy cause of recent financial difficulties, and now that I'm done with high school, there are only a handful of people who would even hear about my death right now.

It's very tempting and I'll probably attempt again soon as I have found a method that I am more okay with using than my previous plan of fsh with hopes for decapitation (so I don't end up as a vegetable)


In other news, seeing the people here talk has been very comforting to be honest. All of the people in real life I've talked to about this sort of thing don't seem to understand the desire to die, even if they outwardly say they want to as well. They all have lives of some sort. I am just nothing. I guess the idea now is to fully embrace nothingness. Or maybe there is an afterlife. Who knows. I personally think there isn't but there have been greater surprises.

 

[Passenger4224]

What made you suicidal? What method are you planning (if you don't mind sharing)?

 

[bobert]

What made you suicidal? What method are you planning (if you don't mind sharing)?

Answer to the first is gonna be a bit all over the place due to my somewhat fragmented memory, and I won't answer the second so this account doesn't get linked back to me (the answer isn't very interesting anyways, research decapitation and it'll be one of the ones you find)

As a kid (or at least a younger kid, some would say 18 is still a kid) I was definitely the quiet and alone type so I didn't have many friends. One day, without really thinking too much about actually dying or anything I cut myself with a razorblade. It didn't really hurt or anything, but seeing so much blood come out made me freak out and think I was actually going to die (I definitely wasn't btw, it was a shallow horizontal cut). Anyways, I had heard of people wearing long sleeved shirts and/or jackets all the time after they cut themselves to hide their cuts, so I started doing that. Then, after a few days of running around in mud and rain and what not, I had no more clean long sleeved shirts. Now, sure, I could have worn a slightly dirty shirt. But in all honesty I wished someone would notice. Nobody did.

That was the inciting incident that led me down the path of realizing that nobody else cares and nothing really matters all that much, anything you do will likely be forgotten within 100 years.

Also, throughout the years, I've realized I don't have much substance anyways. I'm not particularly good at anything, I've never really been an interesting person to talk to, and I'm not attractive. I've tried to change these things by picking up new hobbies or having a skincare routine, but it just doesn't replace the empty feeling that I am just so far away from being a normal person.

Yes, I've always felt quite defective. Nothing is particularly wrong with me mind you, I don't have chronic illness and my family isn't abusive et cetera et cetera. But that just makes me feel it even more. There is nothing bad about my life, so why?


After typing this out, I'm not sure if these seem like valid enough reasons, but life has just been so hollow and I can't bother anymore. There are more reasons, sure, but I probably wouldn't have even thought about dying in the first place without these.

 

[Passenger4224]

Answer to the first is gonna be a bit all over the place due to my somewhat fragmented memory, and I won't answer the second so this account doesn't get linked back to me (the answer isn't very interesting anyways, research decapitation and it'll be one of the ones you find)

As a kid (or at least a younger kid, some would say 18 is still a kid) I was definitely the quiet and alone type so I didn't have many friends. One day, without really thinking too much about actually dying or anything I cut myself with a razorblade. It didn't really hurt or anything, but seeing so much blood come out made me freak out and think I was actually going to die (I definitely wasn't btw, it was a shallow horizontal cut). Anyways, I had heard of people wearing long sleeved shirts and/or jackets all the time after they cut themselves to hide their cuts, so I started doing that. Then, after a few days of running around in mud and rain and what not, I had no more clean long sleeved shirts. Now, sure, I could have worn a slightly dirty shirt. But in all honesty I wished someone would notice. Nobody did.

That was the inciting incident that led me down the path of realizing that nobody else cares and nothing really matters all that much, anything you do will likely be forgotten within 100 years.

Also, throughout the years, I've realized I don't have much substance anyways. I'm not particularly good at anything, I've never really been an interesting person to talk to, and I'm not attractive. I've tried to change these things by picking up new hobbies or having a skincare routine, but it just doesn't replace the empty feeling that I am just so far away from being a normal person.

Yes, I've always felt quite defective. Nothing is particularly wrong with me mind you, I don't have chronic illness and my family isn't abusive et cetera et cetera. But that just makes me feel it even more. There is nothing bad about my life, so why?


After typing this out, I'm not sure if these seem like valid enough reasons, but life has just been so hollow and I can't bother anymore. There are more reasons, sure, but I probably wouldn't have even thought about dying in the first place without these.

Don't worry about validity of your reasons. There's no 'valid' or 'invalid' reason to feel suicidal.

I can relate to a lot of things you said too. Honestly I think we're here for the same exact reason lol. Just like what you said, I'm not good at anything, I'm boring to talk to, and people stay away from me. I have a great life on paper but being me feels like a death sentence. I spent years on self improvement and it has taken me nowhere.

To know there is someone else in this world who is struggling the way I am, trying so hard just to be normal, it makes me so sad. What happened for us to be born like this!?