DignifiedGrave
GrinderofSouls
- Jul 5, 2026
- 16
I guess over my time being suicidal, and more specifically, over the time ive been intent, ive felt very strongly about the loss of experience. The loss of life. I am intent, and this weekend, I believe when my niece returns home ill be a completer. Please queue my badge. Now that ive finally come near to burning my final attachment, grief of my own life, I feel I can speak on it. For me the strongest manifestion of my grief has been a wish for an afterlife, a place where we live as we should, focus on friendship, eating food, adventuring, and there's no state, or armies, or violent accumulators waging imperialist war and imposing hunger on people who seek self determination. A good world worth living in. But alas, the time has come to accept that what I really wish is to continue experiencing life, but without this unbearable pain. I feel these days my impending death is now soon upon me and that I will not be here longer. With this, I experience the most urgent need to reconcile my lust for life with the desire for death.
I think in all honesty that its totally natural to grief a life you could of had, should of had, a life you wanted. To grief the possibility of turning this life into something the self can love. Attachment is guaranteed and the mind, a living thing, wants to live, the body wants to live. So we fight ourselves internally because one part of the mind yearns to die, the other carries the will and will is always non zero. A few times ive stood in my noose and plead to myself to get out of it instead of dying. Im not necessarily happy I did, but I can say with certainty that the self has opposing parts and that, to grief life is appropriate and that as a barrier, for many of us it might be the last one, the last obstacle. As I find myself closer to death, soon to order sn and already securing a stable noose, I am not so afraid now as I was. I consider that peaceful nothingness or a peaceful afterlife are both great outcomes and that I can be wrong that nothing is after. Accepting that something else could be out there is very helpful to me and I think it is useful when coming up on suicide to feel comfortable with the task and to be certain in the act. Grieving life is a hard and time consuming and ive found its a lot to do with a biological drive to live as well as a existential sense of f.o.m.o. we want the pain to cease but not always to leave absolutely everything, and in that contradiction, we become attached to the crushing walk of life being binded by our fear of burning all potential for living happily. Overcoming this is then in my view, nessecity to overcome SI
I think in all honesty that its totally natural to grief a life you could of had, should of had, a life you wanted. To grief the possibility of turning this life into something the self can love. Attachment is guaranteed and the mind, a living thing, wants to live, the body wants to live. So we fight ourselves internally because one part of the mind yearns to die, the other carries the will and will is always non zero. A few times ive stood in my noose and plead to myself to get out of it instead of dying. Im not necessarily happy I did, but I can say with certainty that the self has opposing parts and that, to grief life is appropriate and that as a barrier, for many of us it might be the last one, the last obstacle. As I find myself closer to death, soon to order sn and already securing a stable noose, I am not so afraid now as I was. I consider that peaceful nothingness or a peaceful afterlife are both great outcomes and that I can be wrong that nothing is after. Accepting that something else could be out there is very helpful to me and I think it is useful when coming up on suicide to feel comfortable with the task and to be certain in the act. Grieving life is a hard and time consuming and ive found its a lot to do with a biological drive to live as well as a existential sense of f.o.m.o. we want the pain to cease but not always to leave absolutely everything, and in that contradiction, we become attached to the crushing walk of life being binded by our fear of burning all potential for living happily. Overcoming this is then in my view, nessecity to overcome SI
