Venting The worst 2 years of my entire life

[hot]

i don't even know how iam still alive, how i even made it up until this point

i logged into my ss. account after 8 months and i immediately started crying after viewing my old threads

i remember the countless of times where i broke down on my floor crying my soul out begging for it to finally stop, crying until it felt like i need throw up

the only thing i wanted in my life was it to get better, i just wanted everything turn back to normal again,

Everything hurts so unbelievabely bad, its like a wound that keeps bleeding over and over again. The worst thing is that i can't do anything about it, i can't stop the wound from bleeding. It feels like eternal agony, the best thing about agony is that its going to end, either through death, or a somebody helps you

but my agony doesn't end. It only gets worse and worse. Its endless.

Endless up until i finally do it

My brain is completely broken, it feels like iam completely damaged. Normal things i could do couple of years ago like other normal human beings are not possible anymore. I can't clean my room anymore, i can't think straight anymore, i can't talk to other people normally anymore. I lost the war against myself, after multiple years of OCD, terrible terrible depression, really bad mood swings and anxiety. I lost, i just lost.

I was always trying to be really hopeful, tried therapy, nothing changed.

I really tried to become a better human being, i tried to become healthy.

but i failed, i failed, miserably

i wish i could make my parents proud again,
i wish i could just live a happy, normal life again without having the urge to hurt myself

i just can't take any of this anymore, i can't i fucking can't

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Im so sorry you are suffering. I've also been in complete anguish the last couple of years. I am a shell of who I once was. My depression morphed into something so deep I didn't know it was possible. Couple that with anxiety about the future and ruminating thoughts and you have entered the realm of hell. I wish to die asap but haven't had the courage to end it.