Hi, happy to find like-minded individuals. Sorry to vent, hope you don't mind.
I don't remember the last time I touched a human anymore. I can remember what it feels like, but can't remember the actual last time. I (34M) am technically married, and am living with my wife, but we basically haven't lived together for the last 3 or so years (as in, haven't had sex except on a few occasions). I don't remember the last time we hugged. We're on non-speaking terms now; the last two nights, I don't know where she spent (not home), and at this point, I'm too afraid to ask.
I never had a lot of friends - I don't know why, and have long ago given up on trying to understand why - and the friends I had in, like, uni times, I basically immediately lost contact with once we all moved somewhere over the years. I don't know why nobody wants to talk with me on a constant basis, I honestly don't think I'm that creepy or off-putting - at least, I definitely wasn't before. My best friend in the last decade was a guy I met in addiction rehab (oh yeah, I'm now a full-blown alcoholic, which is a nice bonus). We bonded really fucking well, played some chess together to pass the time, exchanged contacts. Then I relapsed, he didn't. I showed up drunk at the dude's doorstep, and that was the end of it. I don't blame the guy at all, he did well, and should've done so. But I really need some real-life friends. I really fucking tried - I went to stuff like board game nights (that was a lot of fun and led somewhere but I have since moved), messaged people online (literally nobody replied), attended things that are kind of my hobby-adjacent. Literally everybody I talk to doesn't seem to like me. I don't know how to describe it, but I'm sure everybody would describe me as a perfectly nice, interesting individual - and, at the same time, nobody would invite me over unless I do it. I have long ago given up on trying to understand why.
And the alcohol came, yeah. Over the last 3-4 years I have left "he gets tipsy more than regular" phase and entered the full-blown "he has alcoholic neuropathy that prevents his left foot from working (I literally cannot jog anymore), destroyed brain, broken relationships and lost jobs" phase. I am so so tired of this "either I drink or I'm withdrawing" loop, and constant relapses when I manage to break out of it for a few weeks.
The lost jobs part is painful: I'm on immigrant rights, literally alone (minus the wife) on another continent. I was given an opportunity of a lifetime in a really prestigious, cream of the crop firm. I fucking hated it so much, and destroyed it. And I know that there're people who would've literally killed for an opportunity like that. I really fucking tried to find another job (my visa depends on it), but I can't even get an interview - and I know for a fact that I'm not that worthless.
The only person that I had contact with over the last couple of weeks is my mom. She's an angel - literally the best mom ever - but only cries a lot when we talk. My dad is a stubborn prick like myself, and we haven't talked in like half a year, and I'm pretty certain won't talk until one of us dies. It's all my fault, of course - after the 1000th time he told me that I should fix my head or my mentality or whatever, I just told him to fuck off - drunk, of course. Now we don't talk.
I have seen doctors, a lot of them. At this point, I can literally imagine any conversation in my head, they all say the same things. I don't see the point of seeing doctors, they all say the same things over and over again.
I was excited when I found this site. I spent a lot of time sitting on the edge of my high-story building, but I cannot make myself do it - partly, because I don't think it's tall enough (think that scene from Midsommar). I looked into SN, but I cannot find a place that sells it anymore - it's just table salt stuff. I literally can't understand why some people think it's OK to prevent other people from doing things to themselves - be it reading certain books, watching certain videos, putting certain chemicals in - and who gave them the right. This whole concept has always been so beyond me.
My next idea is partial hanging or whatever it's called. I tried making myself simply pass out by putting pressure on my aorta today, and it was pretty fun. Next week is going to be tough, since it's business days again. I hope I'll muster up the courage to do this - if so, I'll do a report.
Thanks for reading, or whatever.
I don't remember the last time I touched a human anymore. I can remember what it feels like, but can't remember the actual last time. I (34M) am technically married, and am living with my wife, but we basically haven't lived together for the last 3 or so years (as in, haven't had sex except on a few occasions). I don't remember the last time we hugged. We're on non-speaking terms now; the last two nights, I don't know where she spent (not home), and at this point, I'm too afraid to ask.
I never had a lot of friends - I don't know why, and have long ago given up on trying to understand why - and the friends I had in, like, uni times, I basically immediately lost contact with once we all moved somewhere over the years. I don't know why nobody wants to talk with me on a constant basis, I honestly don't think I'm that creepy or off-putting - at least, I definitely wasn't before. My best friend in the last decade was a guy I met in addiction rehab (oh yeah, I'm now a full-blown alcoholic, which is a nice bonus). We bonded really fucking well, played some chess together to pass the time, exchanged contacts. Then I relapsed, he didn't. I showed up drunk at the dude's doorstep, and that was the end of it. I don't blame the guy at all, he did well, and should've done so. But I really need some real-life friends. I really fucking tried - I went to stuff like board game nights (that was a lot of fun and led somewhere but I have since moved), messaged people online (literally nobody replied), attended things that are kind of my hobby-adjacent. Literally everybody I talk to doesn't seem to like me. I don't know how to describe it, but I'm sure everybody would describe me as a perfectly nice, interesting individual - and, at the same time, nobody would invite me over unless I do it. I have long ago given up on trying to understand why.
And the alcohol came, yeah. Over the last 3-4 years I have left "he gets tipsy more than regular" phase and entered the full-blown "he has alcoholic neuropathy that prevents his left foot from working (I literally cannot jog anymore), destroyed brain, broken relationships and lost jobs" phase. I am so so tired of this "either I drink or I'm withdrawing" loop, and constant relapses when I manage to break out of it for a few weeks.
The lost jobs part is painful: I'm on immigrant rights, literally alone (minus the wife) on another continent. I was given an opportunity of a lifetime in a really prestigious, cream of the crop firm. I fucking hated it so much, and destroyed it. And I know that there're people who would've literally killed for an opportunity like that. I really fucking tried to find another job (my visa depends on it), but I can't even get an interview - and I know for a fact that I'm not that worthless.
The only person that I had contact with over the last couple of weeks is my mom. She's an angel - literally the best mom ever - but only cries a lot when we talk. My dad is a stubborn prick like myself, and we haven't talked in like half a year, and I'm pretty certain won't talk until one of us dies. It's all my fault, of course - after the 1000th time he told me that I should fix my head or my mentality or whatever, I just told him to fuck off - drunk, of course. Now we don't talk.
I have seen doctors, a lot of them. At this point, I can literally imagine any conversation in my head, they all say the same things. I don't see the point of seeing doctors, they all say the same things over and over again.
I was excited when I found this site. I spent a lot of time sitting on the edge of my high-story building, but I cannot make myself do it - partly, because I don't think it's tall enough (think that scene from Midsommar). I looked into SN, but I cannot find a place that sells it anymore - it's just table salt stuff. I literally can't understand why some people think it's OK to prevent other people from doing things to themselves - be it reading certain books, watching certain videos, putting certain chemicals in - and who gave them the right. This whole concept has always been so beyond me.
My next idea is partial hanging or whatever it's called. I tried making myself simply pass out by putting pressure on my aorta today, and it was pretty fun. Next week is going to be tough, since it's business days again. I hope I'll muster up the courage to do this - if so, I'll do a report.
Thanks for reading, or whatever.
