So I could waste my time writing an auto biography but cba.
Anyways I think losing my dad last month is what finally pushed me over.
Maybe it would be different if I didn't already go through so much shit.
But when I drink heavily i split to a point where I black out and I act like I have another personality.
What's worse is I can constantly feel him scratching at the back of my brain. Asking me to let him out.
Im not even sure who I am anymore.
It's fucking exhausting and my dad who passed..
Majority of my good memories are with him.
The friends i use to have tried to have an intervention for me.
But by the time they got there i was already black out.
All they tried to do was show love and compassion and i completely shit on it.
I do this..
All the time...
It's like whatever the hell this thing is inside me..
It doesn't like me having friends.
It's getting harder and harder to keep it quite.
I've never been one to want to inflict physical pain on anyone.
But it feels like it's growing.
I want to take myself out before I seriously hurt anyone.
I know it will push my mom over the edge.
But maybe deep down a part of her wishes I would ctb so she can as well.
Alot of attention seekers like to tell war stories about how their life has been hell.
But I'm legit telling you..
Life broke us man.
Idk.
Least im musically inclined and was somewhat well known.
It's a small town and I can't go anywhere without someone saying hi to me.
But I'm pretty sure when people talk about me.
It's usually negative.
Because even if I don't do it on purpose.
It just happens. Every. Single. Time.
I've never really felt like i belonged anyway.
Dms are welcomed i suppose.
Anyways I think losing my dad last month is what finally pushed me over.
Maybe it would be different if I didn't already go through so much shit.
But when I drink heavily i split to a point where I black out and I act like I have another personality.
What's worse is I can constantly feel him scratching at the back of my brain. Asking me to let him out.
Im not even sure who I am anymore.
It's fucking exhausting and my dad who passed..
Majority of my good memories are with him.
The friends i use to have tried to have an intervention for me.
But by the time they got there i was already black out.
All they tried to do was show love and compassion and i completely shit on it.
I do this..
All the time...
It's like whatever the hell this thing is inside me..
It doesn't like me having friends.
It's getting harder and harder to keep it quite.
I've never been one to want to inflict physical pain on anyone.
But it feels like it's growing.
I want to take myself out before I seriously hurt anyone.
I know it will push my mom over the edge.
But maybe deep down a part of her wishes I would ctb so she can as well.
Alot of attention seekers like to tell war stories about how their life has been hell.
But I'm legit telling you..
Life broke us man.
Idk.
Least im musically inclined and was somewhat well known.
It's a small town and I can't go anywhere without someone saying hi to me.
But I'm pretty sure when people talk about me.
It's usually negative.
Because even if I don't do it on purpose.
It just happens. Every. Single. Time.
I've never really felt like i belonged anyway.
Dms are welcomed i suppose.
