Venting venting here until I ctb someday

[jesteroutofwork]

my life is just sad at this point. When im not training then the only thing i do is scroll ig reels or read about suicide methods, or if im feeling okay then i'll do some maths. god im so fucking grateful for weight training. its my only purpose in life now. i dont think i care about anything other. ive got only like 1 friend that i text regularly and can have some conversation with. but still i kinda stopped giving any weight and matter to relations with people. really everyone feels like theyre dead. i dont know how to explain this but it genuinely feels like most people are some kind of fucking aliens. i dont feel any bond with them at all. and i dont feel any bond to my parents either. im just floating here in this world without purpose or support group. but people prolly still think im a happy person cuz i go to the gym 4x a week and track my macros accurately everyday lmao. this is so fucked man. my dreams have started to be more interesting than life, im having fucked up dreams after prozac, the best ones are probably nightmares because they are actually immersive and interesting. im slowly and slowly becoming another addition to the yume nikki series for fucks sakes, staying at home and leaving only to get 8000 steps a day. it feels like life is some kind off retarded illusion and nothing matters that much. the worst thing is that i cant really talk to anyone about these feelings irl. most of my friends just responded by saying they're sorry or just straight told me to get over it. and my brother just keeps saying that i matter to him and then drops random mental healthesque slogans like "nobody can help you until you help yourself!" blud im not a fucking opioid addict im just living a miserable autistic fucking life. is it my fucking fault that i feel uncomfortable near every group of people? or that i dont like partying and prefer peace and quiet? srsly go fuck yourself man. Oh, and suicide hotlines. these are the best, my god they are so fucking putrid. genuinely i get mad everytime i see their advertisements on tv/internet. all these fuckers do is either report you to the police for grippy sock jailtime or just talk to you in circles. And somehow most people view them as some kind of god's second coming for fuck sake. and these volunteers there are sooo robotics, they always ask the same questions and follow the same rigid structure when talking to you. it feels fucking dystopian, almost like talking to some thought police officer. after all you have to keep your suicidal ideations to yourself. man im just waiting for the university to start. ill move 500+km and live in a dorm. this will either make me or break me and idc about the outcome. if adult live and living in a dorm wont be good for me then i'll be happy to ctb with sn, this shit is sold like candy in my country anyways. but if uni turns out to make me a lot of friendships and give my life a purpose then that will do. im giving life one last try but its so fucking agonising to still wait for it. im still stuck in my small town and theres absolutely no one here to talk to. it feels fucking painful to leave the house and see my peers talking to each other at this point honestly. its like the world has already acknowledged my suicidality and removed me from itself before i actually ctb. ctbing at 18 feels bit too fast but ive been pushing myself to live longer since like what, 15 yo? i dont really want to push myself any further. its already a struggle to find a purpose here. man i really wish i had a single person that i'd actually care for with reciprocity. really just one person to kill the time together. i fucking hate being here alone. id genuienly would like to be left stranded here on this planet with just one person that is important for me and noone else. and just live like this until we die. and take care of eachother.
anyways i'd really appreaciate if someone leaves here their thoughts about what i had wrote from time to time, take care