lu15007
Purest child
- May 2, 2023
- 19
Last year this time i started taking medications. I started feeling better and finally visited my boyfriend in turkey. I returned to university, found a job and two months ago got married. Have been constantly working on my husband getting a visa so he can move to my country and live with me. We did everything, now we just wait for the appointment. And im spiraling back into depression.
Ive been so upset these days, i can recognize that im being dramatic and not letting my husband enjoy his days. This makes me feel guilty... but im so so angry. I feel angry at him, angry that hes not here yet, angry that hes working 16 hours a day, angry that he watches youtube before sleep instead of talking to me, angry hes constantly on phone calls. and so so jealous. im crying and spiraling because he is with someone else in the hospital right now. And i know he is not cheating, i trust him fully and know what he is doing. im just jealous its not me. And im so mad i want to hurt myself, i want to show how much it hurts me so he gets it, i want him to see im suffering. I keep threatening suicide, cause like back in the day, suicide doesnt feel unthinkable. Im back to constantly reminding him im suicidal and it does upset and hurt him, but im just being honest and perhaps im dramatic, perhaps my feelings are too strong, but i really want to kill myself for the littlest things.
The thing that scares me the most is that i kind of feel more like myself when im suicidal. I feel like im born to suffer. I feel like i dont want to actually heal. Yet it hurts so bad. I need him. He could save me. But i cant have him yet and his attention through the phone doesnt satisfy me. I feel broken and sad and i hate living like that. My heart wants to lose all hope. So i can die.
Ive been so upset these days, i can recognize that im being dramatic and not letting my husband enjoy his days. This makes me feel guilty... but im so so angry. I feel angry at him, angry that hes not here yet, angry that hes working 16 hours a day, angry that he watches youtube before sleep instead of talking to me, angry hes constantly on phone calls. and so so jealous. im crying and spiraling because he is with someone else in the hospital right now. And i know he is not cheating, i trust him fully and know what he is doing. im just jealous its not me. And im so mad i want to hurt myself, i want to show how much it hurts me so he gets it, i want him to see im suffering. I keep threatening suicide, cause like back in the day, suicide doesnt feel unthinkable. Im back to constantly reminding him im suicidal and it does upset and hurt him, but im just being honest and perhaps im dramatic, perhaps my feelings are too strong, but i really want to kill myself for the littlest things.
The thing that scares me the most is that i kind of feel more like myself when im suicidal. I feel like im born to suffer. I feel like i dont want to actually heal. Yet it hurts so bad. I need him. He could save me. But i cant have him yet and his attention through the phone doesnt satisfy me. I feel broken and sad and i hate living like that. My heart wants to lose all hope. So i can die.
