I lied when i said i was socially isolated for 7 years. Not completely true at least.
Three years ago, i actually gave high school a chance despite being petrified of schools. My teachers were very great and expains things in brief details but i was a very very slow person. They were some things that i didn't understand but i was afraid to raise my hand and ask because i didn't want to inconvenience them. Our chemistry teacher was the loveliest, she'd take her time to explain things more carefully so each and every single student understood. I really liked all the teachers there. They were so good at their job despite not even being paid much and worked so hard so we could understand things but i was severely dumb. I was afraid to ask others classmates questions or even knew what to say to them in order to ask for help.
I had a chemistry quiz coming up, i tried to stay up day and night to study for it. I wanted to make up for the hard work our chem teachers did. But alas I couldn't do it, i failed that test horribly and cried in the bathroom stall like a pathetic whimp. I felt so bad for wasting all her efforts like that. I still do. I dropped out completely shortly after that because I knew I couldn't do it.
I also lied that I have absolutely zero friends, it's not true. I have one online friend. I can't come clean to her about my pathetic life even though I know she's a very kind and understanding person. She'd offer great advice and listen to you too but I don't want to inconvenience her, despite her being the only person I have in my life who'd actually give two shits about me i can't just burden her. Even with the smallest things like complaining they feel like inconveniencing others. I'll swore to never do that again.
But in order to grow you'd have to inconvenience like your parents or your mentors but it's so hard without feeling extreme guilt and shame. I also don't want to seem weak at my grown age. Part of it is pride and part of it is guilt. I just wanna know if there's a way to actually develop as a human being without burdening others.
Three years ago, i actually gave high school a chance despite being petrified of schools. My teachers were very great and expains things in brief details but i was a very very slow person. They were some things that i didn't understand but i was afraid to raise my hand and ask because i didn't want to inconvenience them. Our chemistry teacher was the loveliest, she'd take her time to explain things more carefully so each and every single student understood. I really liked all the teachers there. They were so good at their job despite not even being paid much and worked so hard so we could understand things but i was severely dumb. I was afraid to ask others classmates questions or even knew what to say to them in order to ask for help.
I had a chemistry quiz coming up, i tried to stay up day and night to study for it. I wanted to make up for the hard work our chem teachers did. But alas I couldn't do it, i failed that test horribly and cried in the bathroom stall like a pathetic whimp. I felt so bad for wasting all her efforts like that. I still do. I dropped out completely shortly after that because I knew I couldn't do it.
I also lied that I have absolutely zero friends, it's not true. I have one online friend. I can't come clean to her about my pathetic life even though I know she's a very kind and understanding person. She'd offer great advice and listen to you too but I don't want to inconvenience her, despite her being the only person I have in my life who'd actually give two shits about me i can't just burden her. Even with the smallest things like complaining they feel like inconveniencing others. I'll swore to never do that again.
But in order to grow you'd have to inconvenience like your parents or your mentors but it's so hard without feeling extreme guilt and shame. I also don't want to seem weak at my grown age. Part of it is pride and part of it is guilt. I just wanna know if there's a way to actually develop as a human being without burdening others.
