Help Suicide as a Statement - How Can I Make Sure The Message Is Heard

[PainWorseThanDeath]

I'm a early middle aged transgender female, living in the worst possible state to be Trans in, and I am facing potential jailtime bc a meth head accused me of pulling my gun on him in a parking lot, when I didn't.

As a very feminine bodied trans woman who is a survivor of gang rape and human trafficking, I cannot endure that. I have cptsd from what happened, and am terrified by men. Being surrounded by and potentially locked into cells with them would be a fate worse than death for me. The few times that I have been in jail for public drunks, I have been at the very bottom of the pecking order.. had my toilet paper, my toothbrush, and my food stolen from me.

I've been threatened with violence and rape multiple times. I simply cannot live with the possibility of it, let alone the reality. If they find me guilty, and they will, because this state is prejudiced against people like me, they will put me back in there with men who will beat and rape me. I just can't endure that again. I cant.

Because of the fucked up, socially backwards nature of the state that I live in, I've been left no other choice but to end my life so that I don't have to run the risk of living underneath the threat of being beaten and raped again everyday. I'm rapidly approaching the point that I no longer have anything left to say, and no longer have the energy to reach out.

I want to reiterate that this is not some sort of mental health crisis.. this is a rational response to what I'm facing, given my past. I've thought it out, over and again... I don't want to end my life... it's not like I take any joy in it. Iif anything I'm very remorseful at the concept, because my thoughts are with those that I will leave behind...

I want to stress that I'm a perfectly mentally and emotionally stable woman. Under any other circumstances I would -never- entertain ending my life, let alone put together a kit with which to do so... it's just that I am facing abject, unsurvivable horrors.



As I've tried to explain to those I've confided in, there are some fates worse than death... some circumstances in which death is not only preferable, but a welcome friend.... and as much as my spirit loathes it, I am helplessly and hopelessly imperiled to one. I've been left no other choice.


So, I guess my question is how can I go about explaining why it is I'm left no other choice but to do this when I don't want to, and make sure the whole world knows, so maybe something will be done to prevent other people like me having to kill themselves in the future?

How can I make a statement that will get out to the public, and generate the outrage that should be generated by this? How can I use this inescapable, and tragic situation to create some kind of change?

I don't have a choice but to end my life... but if I have to end my life.. how can I make sure that some good comes of this final act?

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

I'm going to record a video detailing the reasons why this is unavoidable for me.... I hope to get it in the right people's hands, and that it be put in the right hands, so as to affect some kind of change.

It's all that I can come up with as a solution.

May this never happen to another innocent soul.

 

[Front Back]

Sadly it will just be for a short time, you could record the reason why you CTB and even record your process but even so it won't last a long time, remember the guy that burned himself for a statement?

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

Sadly it will just be for a short time, you could record the reason why you CTB and even record your process but even so it won't last a long time, remember the guy that burned himself for a statement?

I do. I remember. His name was Aaron Bushnell.

 

[Captain laser]

i guess you could tell some trans people with a platform about what's happening to you?

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

*places hand on your shoulder*


A certain hotel manager told me, "you can't please everyone; control the things you can control."

Her name was Suncha.

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

*places hand on your shoulder*
View attachment 200808

A certain hotel manager told me, "you can't please everyone; control the things you can control."

Her name was Suncha.

What happened with Suncha?

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

What happened with Suncha?

She's still managing the hotel, at least last time I talked to her.

 

[Front Back]

I do. I remember. His name was Aaron Bushnell.

And no one really talked about him now, using death as a statement is like burning gasoline, big and explosive but won't last on it's own

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

And no one really talked about him now, using death as a statement is like burning gasoline, big and explosive but won't last on it's own

What do you suggest, then?

 

[iCryInMySecretSpot]

wow this is awful

 

[Myforevercharlie]

You're an awesome lady...I'm I feel sick by thinking about what happened to you
Every help i can give is yours

 

[ngdt2567]

I hate to say this but I don't think it will make much of a lasting impact. I am so very sorry for your past experiences. I wish I had a better alternative to offer you.

 

[if_i_make_it]

ftm here. I'm really sorry for what you have experienced and I relate a lot to wanting our deaths to mean something, I feel the same but about disability and illness…I know we really can't guarantee anything. Having someone willing to carry on our stories is the most we can ask. But I believe that has to be a coordinated commitment made in life. I truly hope you can find someone to carry on your flame.

 

[Captain laser]

I hate to say this but I don't think it will make much of a lasting impact. I am so very sorry for your past experiences. I wish I had a better alternative to offer you.

yeah that's another thing, no matter the myriad of reasons we could list, people are gonna boil it down to "this trans person killed themselves because trans people are insane and not because we keep making their life more difficult"

 

[elenaboo25]

Could you ask to be put in solitary for your safety?

 

[Out_Of_My_Head]

I don't think there's a way to get more than six hours of attention by being a martyr for any reason these days.

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

Could you ask to be put in solitary for your safety?

Solitary is 23hr lockdown. Hardly any better. Truly, I prefer death to any of this.

 

[Imausername]

I'm facing the EXACTLY same issue... It's a rational response to facing charges when ur trans. I don't wanna die but I can't face that future id never belive I'd be making a kit too.
I going to cut words into my body before i ctb I do that as a way to sh now even without ctb. Abused tortured used misunderstood broken past all sorts of things I write that I can't express verbally to others

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

I'm facing the EXACTLY same issue... It's a rational response to facing charges when ur trans. I don't wanna die but I can't face that future id never belive I'd be making a kit too.
I going to cut words into my body before i ctb I do that as a way to sh now even without ctb. Abused tortured used misunderstood broken past all sorts of things I write that I can't express verbally to others

I'm sorry that you share my fate... but I understand all too well why you have chosen the same. I wish you a peaceful passing.

 

[Imausername]

I'm sorry that you share my fate... but I understand all too well why you have chosen the same. I wish you a peaceful passing.

I'm here to dm if you want... I've never been to jail other than custady so idk what it's like after being charged. I've never lived life as a man in my life... All I wanted was a quiet life to be left alone. My charges are stupid I didn't hurt anyone or steal anything. It feels like I'm being charged over other people actions bc their actions caused the offence I just simply was in the wrong place where I was pulled into the wrong group of people to get attention validation etc it's how I grew up.
I'm currently pre charge. So they haven't filed charges yet but with the evidence it seems pretty bad for me. I'm just waiting to hear if they drop or charge bc I'm not going through this process

 

[SASU-KE]

I don't think there's a way to get more than six hours of attention by being a martyr for any reason these days.

Unfortunate, but true. It doesn't matter what you do, it's forgotten quickly.

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

Unfortunate, but true. It doesn't matter what you do, it's forgotten quickly.

Oh well.

 

[Imausername]

I'm going to record a video detailing the reasons why this is unavoidable for me.... I hope to get it in the right people's hands, and that it be put in the right hands, so as to affect some kind of change.

It's all that I can come up with as a solution.

May this never happen to another innocent soul.

Please if u record it make sure u say tbis isn't an isolated one off incident and you've met other trans people who are planning on doing the exact same things as u.

The main issue is more so that non voilent offenses actually get jail time and how hard it Is to live with a conviction on public record. That movement has some backing to reduce non voilent offenders ending up in jail.

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

Please if u record it make sure u say tbis isn't an isolated one off incident and you've met other trans people who are planning on doing the exact same things as u.

The main issue is more so that non voilent offenses actually get jail time and how hard it Is to live with a conviction on public record. That movement has some backing to reduce non voilent offenders ending up in jail.

Rest assured, I will point out that I'm not the only one... this is a fate most any trans woman would fear, and I know that.

The main reason I am and will be continuing to document my choice to ctb, is so that others will hopefully NOT share this fate... though I doubt it will make a difference... I have to try for others. Nobody should have to die this way.

 

[Imausername]

When is your court date you have to ctb before?
Mines may 28th but I expect them to push it back another three months again.

Rehab and making things right by keeping your job and paying fines should always be put first before jail unless it directly voilent. Trans or not that's the bigger issue then it's threatening trans people with the wrong jail that has to be against some human rights.