PainWorseThanDeath
I wish it could have been any other way.
- Apr 29, 2026
- 56
I'm a early middle aged transgender female, living in the worst possible state to be Trans in, and I am facing potential jailtime bc a meth head accused me of pulling my gun on him in a parking lot, when I didn't.
As a very feminine bodied trans woman who is a survivor of gang rape and human trafficking, I cannot endure that. I have cptsd from what happened, and am terrified by men. Being surrounded by and potentially locked into cells with them would be a fate worse than death for me. The few times that I have been in jail for public drunks, I have been at the very bottom of the pecking order.. had my toilet paper, my toothbrush, and my food stolen from me.
I've been threatened with violence and rape multiple times. I simply cannot live with the possibility of it, let alone the reality. If they find me guilty, and they will, because this state is prejudiced against people like me, they will put me back in there with men who will beat and rape me. I just can't endure that again. I cant.
Because of the fucked up, socially backwards nature of the state that I live in, I've been left no other choice but to end my life so that I don't have to run the risk of living underneath the threat of being beaten and raped again everyday. I'm rapidly approaching the point that I no longer have anything left to say, and no longer have the energy to reach out.
I want to reiterate that this is not some sort of mental health crisis.. this is a rational response to what I'm facing, given my past. I've thought it out, over and again... I don't want to end my life... it's not like I take any joy in it. Iif anything I'm very remorseful at the concept, because my thoughts are with those that I will leave behind...
I want to stress that I'm a perfectly mentally and emotionally stable woman. Under any other circumstances I would -never- entertain ending my life, let alone put together a kit with which to do so... it's just that I am facing abject, unsurvivable horrors.
As I've tried to explain to those I've confided in, there are some fates worse than death... some circumstances in which death is not only preferable, but a welcome friend.... and as much as my spirit loathes it, I am helplessly and hopelessly imperiled to one. I've been left no other choice.
So, I guess my question is how can I go about explaining why it is I'm left no other choice but to do this when I don't want to, and make sure the whole world knows, so maybe something will be done to prevent other people like me having to kill themselves in the future?
How can I make a statement that will get out to the public, and generate the outrage that should be generated by this? How can I use this inescapable, and tragic situation to create some kind of change?
I don't have a choice but to end my life... but if I have to end my life.. how can I make sure that some good comes of this final act?
As a very feminine bodied trans woman who is a survivor of gang rape and human trafficking, I cannot endure that. I have cptsd from what happened, and am terrified by men. Being surrounded by and potentially locked into cells with them would be a fate worse than death for me. The few times that I have been in jail for public drunks, I have been at the very bottom of the pecking order.. had my toilet paper, my toothbrush, and my food stolen from me.
I've been threatened with violence and rape multiple times. I simply cannot live with the possibility of it, let alone the reality. If they find me guilty, and they will, because this state is prejudiced against people like me, they will put me back in there with men who will beat and rape me. I just can't endure that again. I cant.
Because of the fucked up, socially backwards nature of the state that I live in, I've been left no other choice but to end my life so that I don't have to run the risk of living underneath the threat of being beaten and raped again everyday. I'm rapidly approaching the point that I no longer have anything left to say, and no longer have the energy to reach out.
I want to reiterate that this is not some sort of mental health crisis.. this is a rational response to what I'm facing, given my past. I've thought it out, over and again... I don't want to end my life... it's not like I take any joy in it. Iif anything I'm very remorseful at the concept, because my thoughts are with those that I will leave behind...
I want to stress that I'm a perfectly mentally and emotionally stable woman. Under any other circumstances I would -never- entertain ending my life, let alone put together a kit with which to do so... it's just that I am facing abject, unsurvivable horrors.
As I've tried to explain to those I've confided in, there are some fates worse than death... some circumstances in which death is not only preferable, but a welcome friend.... and as much as my spirit loathes it, I am helplessly and hopelessly imperiled to one. I've been left no other choice.
So, I guess my question is how can I go about explaining why it is I'm left no other choice but to do this when I don't want to, and make sure the whole world knows, so maybe something will be done to prevent other people like me having to kill themselves in the future?
How can I make a statement that will get out to the public, and generate the outrage that should be generated by this? How can I use this inescapable, and tragic situation to create some kind of change?
I don't have a choice but to end my life... but if I have to end my life.. how can I make sure that some good comes of this final act?
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