Stuck on fantasies of suicide

[Pure]

I've realized that I find the process of my preparing to kill myself to be more cathartic than actually killing myself. What's up with that?

For example, my fantasies that I ruminate on that give me great comfort is just repeatedly imagining the process of killing myself. As in, driving to the location, preparing what ever I'm using, and contacting emergency services for my body to be collected before a rando finds it and before I decompose, and then doing the act.

But then I have a huge mental block when it comes to conceptualizing myself as actually dead. It's like I enjoy doing the motions more than anything.

I guess the issue is that I want a great reset of my brain more so than actual physical death and performing these suicidal gestures is as close to actually killing myself that I can do instead of actually causing myself to die.

 

[miminkpo]

I actually do also enjoy thinking about how I'll go about it. At least, when I think it's going to work. Lately I was thinking about doing it with antifreeze and sleeping pills. It seemed so perfect I couldn't stop thinking about it. I even ordered the antifreeze and I have it in my bedroom. However further research has ruined that idea... so I just can't fantasize about it anymore. It sucks. I wish killing myself would be easier.

I do plan on going through it but... it's true, the moment I have already thought out the plan and made the necesary preparations I feel much at ease. Sometimes like I don't even want to die, because now I'm comfortable... or at least, I'm not so hasty and anxious about dying. However, I steel myself because I know it's just what'll end my suffering.

 

[suisuiforum]

I can relate to that sentiment as well. I find great relief in planning out my death down to the finest details, and while I always say that I'm sure I'll eventually do it one day, there's no telling whether I'll finally be able to overcome the SI and commit to my plan. Every day, I wish I could simply fall asleep and never wake up so that I don't have to physically go through the motions of actually killing myself.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think about suicide all the time and I have done for many years, as it is my one way out and the only way I can be free from this life, but I do feel a bit stuck as the SI holds me back. It is hard to take our lives, I just wish I could be done with it all. However I know once I reach the point of desperation I will be likely to finally be able to leave this world.

 

[Pure]

I've driven to my school and all I can imagine is saying goodbye and thank you to the forum, lighting up a cigarette, and throwing myself off the top of the parking garage. Kind of romantic to think about tbh

 

[phoenixx]

I do this too. Often, before I sleep at night, I close my eyes and imagine doing things, like cutting myself really badly, or going to a hotel room and ending it there, or jumping from a car park etc. A lot of different thoughts, which involves me getting hurt in some way or trying to end my life. Things I actually want to do but am unable to do right now. I also get dreams like it too. I find it comforting for some reason.

 

[Pure]

I find it comforting for some reason.

It's very comforting. It's a like a slow release of emotions and whatnot.