Venting Stuck here

[Sra_TZ]

I'll get straight to the point- I intended to die before my next birthday. I have internally given up a long time ago and I find absolutely no reason to live. There's only one person who'll be affected by my suicide - and that's my best friend. I hate life and I don't give a damn about anything, but I do care about her. I wanted to wait to suicide until she had a more or less stable life and a partner, so she'd not be as badly impacted. As much as I hate life, I'd rather not destroy someone else's. All good, everything was working out just fine. I planned to do it at the end of this year (or the start of next).

Fast forward to yesterday, I found out that she'll be sitting for some crucial exams in 11 months. 11 MoNtHs. She's very serious about these and they'll heavily affect her academic future. Furthermore, she wants to immigrate abroad for a degree, which makes it all the more important to perform well. To state the obvious, my suicide will hurt her. Hurt her to the point where she'll mess up these exams. Messing up these exams will wreck her future in the long term.

To put it simply, I'm devastated. I'm happy for her, I really am. She's an amazing young lady and will do amazing things in the future and whatnot. I don't even know how to feel about myself.

I suppose I'm stuck here. For another year...
~S

 

[pole]

i feel it will inevitably hurt those that care about you. whether it's now or a year from now.

but i feel the same way as you. stuck, waiting to be pushed to the edge. i think we all get to a point where we honestly don't give a shit anymore about how our death impacts those around us.

if anything, i think distancing yourself from those your close with would help in the long run imo. regardless, i hope you find peace.

take care.

 

[Sra_TZ]

i feel it will inevitably hurt those that care about you. whether it's now or a year from now.

but i feel the same way as you. stuck, waiting to be pushed to the edge. i think we all get to a point where we honestly don't give a shit anymore about how our death impacts those around us.

if anything, i think distancing yourself from those your close with would help in the long run imo. regardless, i hope you find peace.

take care.

Thanks a lot for your response I agree that those who care will be inevitably hurt. I guess I was just trying to soften the blow, so to say.

As for your suggestion about distancing myself from close friends, I couldn't agree more. To be honest, over the years, I have more or less pushed away anyone and everyone who cared. Naturally, they gave up at some point. Sadly, my best friend is stubborn The type who refuse to leave my side no matter what.

I have given up on distancing myself from her. It's all just a game of waiting till I can either trust her surroundings enough to leave her OR till I'm pushed to the edge and just don't care anymore.

I hope you find peace too
~S

 

[FuneralCry]

I also have no reason to live and it is like I have died a long time ago, I understand it can be hard to carry on when you feel like that. It is understandable not wanting to cause pain to others and I get it can be like feeling trapped. I'm sorry you are suffering, I wish you well.

 

[Sra_TZ]

I also have no reason to live and it is like I have died a long time ago, I understand it can be hard to carry on when you feel like that. It is understandable not wanting to cause pain to others and I get it can be like feeling trapped. I'm sorry you are suffering, I wish you well.

Thanks for your response I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with carrying on as well. That feeling of being trapped is so relatable.
I hope you find peace.
~S

 

[Jumping_realms]

I'm sorry.

You are a great friend to put that empathy and thought into the impact of her life.

 

[Sra_TZ]

I'm sorry.

You are a great friend to put that empathy and thought into the impact of her life.

Thank you for your kind words Being a great friend doesn't come without a price and can be immensely tiring at times. Wish me luck.
Take care
~S