shesalreadygone
Per aspera...ad astra
- Mar 23, 2026
- 11
So that's about it...
I'm almost at my limit. Not on an "anguishy" kind of way, I just think that there's not much left to try anymore. Recently I've been going a lot out of my way to get the other medicaments that assist on SN and... it's certainly been... ass. to say the least.
Good news is, I managed to get meto and propanolol, so that's great, but despite ALL of my efforts, benzos just seem so out of reach for me. I tried going on a doctor, then they redirected me to a psiquiatrist, and despite all my efforts, all I got prescribed was some anti-depressants. god damn it.
Then I decided to contact a telegram vendor from my country that I found and... got left on read? I don't know, it's been a couple minutes and they haven't replied, so it got me thinking.
Is it, is it really, really worth it all this effort?
The sole reason I'm still not dead is because of those damn benzos. they're like my arch nemesis. it's been so long since my last attempts, and everyday I just can't stop and think about my situation. If I've had them with me already, it would be so much better. I also tell myself that "Hey, at least if we don't get the benzos, we can still do it. It just won't be as peaceful." and it gets me thinking and thinking and thinking...
Someone told me, and I see it everywhere. "If you don't get benzos, SI might kick in, and you might call for help. You may also panic from the symptoms of it."
SI.... Survival instict... survival instinct, survival instinct.
I wonder how it'll be when I'm going through it. I mean, I've had to go through so much already, endure, so much. Will I really back out of it when I finally have the chance to leave everything behind? Plan everything, prepare it all, just for my organism to go "no lmao, go back", really? I am so confident on what I want, can it really be washed out as easily as that?
Speaking from experience, I've been through a near-death experience once. twice. And it was... awful? Never thought I'd have to describe it, (didn't want to), but here's how it all played out. (context, I tried ctb with inert gas, helium)
I did manage to become unconscious in both times, but I woke up from it before dying. Slowly gaining my consciousness back, I couldn't see anything, but the first thing I notice is that my playlist had ended. So I automatically pick another one to play. Even with my vision still blurry, I managed to do it. I was doing it with airpods on. Next, I slowly start to realize that I am waking up, so I turn the knob on the helium tank to maximum (I didn't notice it at the time but no more gas was coming out of it, it had ended.) Then I go back into position and close my eyes. During this whole time I was acting on instinct, it felt natural to me doing all of that. I also couldn't feel any sort of discomfort, it's like I was on drugs? on a dream? Idk I never did drugs.
So then, after another while with me on this half-conscious state, it kicks in, kicks in hard. The discomfort comes. I suddenly have the urge to gasp for air, my body starts twisting around the bed, I start letting out some moans, it felt like I was on a nightmare. But I still tried to hold on for a little longer. "Come on, I'm almost there." Then it came. The highest point of it. It felt like I was almost drowning and had to get to surface quickly. Y'know those feelings right? Then my body takes control of myself and rips the bag out of my head. After that I slowly start to gain full consciousness back and... Well, I won't get too much into it.
So uhh, well... As scary as that might sound, I feel like those are completly different situations, compared to how's SN's gonna be. That time my body had a chance to do something and it did, but it was completly a "not being able to breathe" instinct. On SN... I'm thinking as long as I drink the water with it... that's it. It's already inside of me and... it can't be fought out. If I end up throwing it up, I can drink another one.
Most my body can do without my consent is... callling an ambulance? As compared to ripping something blocking oxygen to get to you... picking up my phone, dialing to emergency, then actually speaking to someone to try and get help is... too far fetched to me? Come on, I've come all the way, I can't give up on the last instant. Will I really do all that? I get that... some people might, and it is really unfortunate what they all have to go through, and that it all leads down to that but... I think I might be okay. At least that's how I see it. I hope...
So with that aside... panic. Panic, panic. I mean, can it be that bad? I've had some god awful sickness before, last year I got something on my stomach that was so painful, hurted like hell, I spent days on my bed, thinking that if I actually died from it, I would be good with that. That was before I started to get into planning my suicide. And, having been through a near-death experience twice, and allllll of the shit I've went through in my life... I think I am willing to go through 15 minutes of suffering, knowing that I will actually die from it this time.
Still, still. "15 minutes of suffering" might be a bit much, no? If it all goes well, the propanolol should help a bit on that, I should be sleepy on that time, and the feeling of "this is all over, I can finally rest and wait" certainly helps too. might also take some dramamine too maybe. I have it on me, and it usually helps on long bus trips that I take, where I sleep all the way.
I still can't get something off my head though... Die with a panic... My final moments....
All I ever wanted for my final moments to be was... me on my bed, staring at the ceiling, or at some drawings that people gave me (did that with the helium), while listening to my playlist, while noothingg at all flows through my mind.... apparently that's too much to ask for.
I think I am, I am a bit scared of it. I am scared of it. But, as someone said, "I think SI and that primal terror isn't something we can "fight," but something we need to accept as a part of the deal." "I'm in the process of reluctantly accepting that I'm simply going to be terrified, and that's that. Because I'm meant to be. Death is the ultimate unknown, we can't even fathom what it's like to be dead, or what that even is/means. I think leaning into it and not trying to fight what can't be fought is the angle that needs to be taken here. You should be scared in your final moments—more importantly you should let yourself be scared. That's how I'm beginning to see it anyway, as much as I hate it." Mooncry.
This post comforted me. Being allowed to be scared comforted me. Whatever happens when I ingest the SN, that's going to be it. If I do end up suffering, it's a small sacrifice to pay.
And so, to conclude this yet another long post, I'm starting to think I'll do it without the benzo. it's kinda funny. all that buildup, all that self encouragement, all that valor, just into doing it with no benzo. It's kinda unfair how the world is. It'd be so much easier if I just... had a simple med with me. It would all be so much easier if I could still see people who aren't here anymore. It would all be so much easier if things hadn't ended this way. It's perplexus how some things barely out of reach can make so much change.
Didn't mean to get poetic there. Also didn't mean for this to be another really long post but... Like I said... I'm almost at the limit. I'm almost dying. If nothing comes out of this telegram vendor... facing the SN without benzos... it will have to be the way.
Thank you for reading and being an ear to me, let me know if you have any views on SI and the panic that SN might cause... and any kind words will be so much appreciated. I hope the best for everyone out there, and... for me too.
I'm almost at my limit. Not on an "anguishy" kind of way, I just think that there's not much left to try anymore. Recently I've been going a lot out of my way to get the other medicaments that assist on SN and... it's certainly been... ass. to say the least.
Good news is, I managed to get meto and propanolol, so that's great, but despite ALL of my efforts, benzos just seem so out of reach for me. I tried going on a doctor, then they redirected me to a psiquiatrist, and despite all my efforts, all I got prescribed was some anti-depressants. god damn it.
Then I decided to contact a telegram vendor from my country that I found and... got left on read? I don't know, it's been a couple minutes and they haven't replied, so it got me thinking.
Is it, is it really, really worth it all this effort?
The sole reason I'm still not dead is because of those damn benzos. they're like my arch nemesis. it's been so long since my last attempts, and everyday I just can't stop and think about my situation. If I've had them with me already, it would be so much better. I also tell myself that "Hey, at least if we don't get the benzos, we can still do it. It just won't be as peaceful." and it gets me thinking and thinking and thinking...
Someone told me, and I see it everywhere. "If you don't get benzos, SI might kick in, and you might call for help. You may also panic from the symptoms of it."
SI.... Survival instict... survival instinct, survival instinct.
I wonder how it'll be when I'm going through it. I mean, I've had to go through so much already, endure, so much. Will I really back out of it when I finally have the chance to leave everything behind? Plan everything, prepare it all, just for my organism to go "no lmao, go back", really? I am so confident on what I want, can it really be washed out as easily as that?
Speaking from experience, I've been through a near-death experience once. twice. And it was... awful? Never thought I'd have to describe it, (didn't want to), but here's how it all played out. (context, I tried ctb with inert gas, helium)
I did manage to become unconscious in both times, but I woke up from it before dying. Slowly gaining my consciousness back, I couldn't see anything, but the first thing I notice is that my playlist had ended. So I automatically pick another one to play. Even with my vision still blurry, I managed to do it. I was doing it with airpods on. Next, I slowly start to realize that I am waking up, so I turn the knob on the helium tank to maximum (I didn't notice it at the time but no more gas was coming out of it, it had ended.) Then I go back into position and close my eyes. During this whole time I was acting on instinct, it felt natural to me doing all of that. I also couldn't feel any sort of discomfort, it's like I was on drugs? on a dream? Idk I never did drugs.
So then, after another while with me on this half-conscious state, it kicks in, kicks in hard. The discomfort comes. I suddenly have the urge to gasp for air, my body starts twisting around the bed, I start letting out some moans, it felt like I was on a nightmare. But I still tried to hold on for a little longer. "Come on, I'm almost there." Then it came. The highest point of it. It felt like I was almost drowning and had to get to surface quickly. Y'know those feelings right? Then my body takes control of myself and rips the bag out of my head. After that I slowly start to gain full consciousness back and... Well, I won't get too much into it.
So uhh, well... As scary as that might sound, I feel like those are completly different situations, compared to how's SN's gonna be. That time my body had a chance to do something and it did, but it was completly a "not being able to breathe" instinct. On SN... I'm thinking as long as I drink the water with it... that's it. It's already inside of me and... it can't be fought out. If I end up throwing it up, I can drink another one.
Most my body can do without my consent is... callling an ambulance? As compared to ripping something blocking oxygen to get to you... picking up my phone, dialing to emergency, then actually speaking to someone to try and get help is... too far fetched to me? Come on, I've come all the way, I can't give up on the last instant. Will I really do all that? I get that... some people might, and it is really unfortunate what they all have to go through, and that it all leads down to that but... I think I might be okay. At least that's how I see it. I hope...
So with that aside... panic. Panic, panic. I mean, can it be that bad? I've had some god awful sickness before, last year I got something on my stomach that was so painful, hurted like hell, I spent days on my bed, thinking that if I actually died from it, I would be good with that. That was before I started to get into planning my suicide. And, having been through a near-death experience twice, and allllll of the shit I've went through in my life... I think I am willing to go through 15 minutes of suffering, knowing that I will actually die from it this time.
Still, still. "15 minutes of suffering" might be a bit much, no? If it all goes well, the propanolol should help a bit on that, I should be sleepy on that time, and the feeling of "this is all over, I can finally rest and wait" certainly helps too. might also take some dramamine too maybe. I have it on me, and it usually helps on long bus trips that I take, where I sleep all the way.
I still can't get something off my head though... Die with a panic... My final moments....
All I ever wanted for my final moments to be was... me on my bed, staring at the ceiling, or at some drawings that people gave me (did that with the helium), while listening to my playlist, while noothingg at all flows through my mind.... apparently that's too much to ask for.
I think I am, I am a bit scared of it. I am scared of it. But, as someone said, "I think SI and that primal terror isn't something we can "fight," but something we need to accept as a part of the deal." "I'm in the process of reluctantly accepting that I'm simply going to be terrified, and that's that. Because I'm meant to be. Death is the ultimate unknown, we can't even fathom what it's like to be dead, or what that even is/means. I think leaning into it and not trying to fight what can't be fought is the angle that needs to be taken here. You should be scared in your final moments—more importantly you should let yourself be scared. That's how I'm beginning to see it anyway, as much as I hate it." Mooncry.
This post comforted me. Being allowed to be scared comforted me. Whatever happens when I ingest the SN, that's going to be it. If I do end up suffering, it's a small sacrifice to pay.
And so, to conclude this yet another long post, I'm starting to think I'll do it without the benzo. it's kinda funny. all that buildup, all that self encouragement, all that valor, just into doing it with no benzo. It's kinda unfair how the world is. It'd be so much easier if I just... had a simple med with me. It would all be so much easier if I could still see people who aren't here anymore. It would all be so much easier if things hadn't ended this way. It's perplexus how some things barely out of reach can make so much change.
Didn't mean to get poetic there. Also didn't mean for this to be another really long post but... Like I said... I'm almost at the limit. I'm almost dying. If nothing comes out of this telegram vendor... facing the SN without benzos... it will have to be the way.
Thank you for reading and being an ear to me, let me know if you have any views on SI and the panic that SN might cause... and any kind words will be so much appreciated. I hope the best for everyone out there, and... for me too.
