Greetings,
It has been awhile since I last made a post, as most can see I have not CTB'd yet but I still think of it nearly everyday.
I just recently went to the hospital for kidney stones and got prescribed heavy dosage of Oxycodone to numb the major pains I was having. First time in my life I ever took an opioid and had a slight high from it, I would be lying if I said, I didn't feel at peace. I enjoyed the feeling I was getting so much, I kept upping what I was taking and had cravings for it when in stress. Decided to pitch the rest as addiction runs strong in my family. I have to say, I can now understand why my ex gf was hooked to pain pills and heroin.
I am currently in the midst of going into a new trial study for my Ulcerative Pancolitis that will be completely free once I get everything set up, given nothing goes horribly wrong. Between it and depressive disorder can affect me alot at work so still considering possibly going on disability so I can focus getting myself straight.
Until then, everyday feels like a struggle for me and the want to CTB grows stronger. I can't help but think death is calling me.
Sorry for the long and somewhat venting post. Hope everyone is doing well or at least better then I am!
It has been awhile since I last made a post, as most can see I have not CTB'd yet but I still think of it nearly everyday.
I just recently went to the hospital for kidney stones and got prescribed heavy dosage of Oxycodone to numb the major pains I was having. First time in my life I ever took an opioid and had a slight high from it, I would be lying if I said, I didn't feel at peace. I enjoyed the feeling I was getting so much, I kept upping what I was taking and had cravings for it when in stress. Decided to pitch the rest as addiction runs strong in my family. I have to say, I can now understand why my ex gf was hooked to pain pills and heroin.
I am currently in the midst of going into a new trial study for my Ulcerative Pancolitis that will be completely free once I get everything set up, given nothing goes horribly wrong. Between it and depressive disorder can affect me alot at work so still considering possibly going on disability so I can focus getting myself straight.
Until then, everyday feels like a struggle for me and the want to CTB grows stronger. I can't help but think death is calling me.
Sorry for the long and somewhat venting post. Hope everyone is doing well or at least better then I am!
