Venting I feel like a lost cause

[siphon_hyphen]

I truly, truly wish I could muster up the energy to kill myself already. I hate myself for struggling to do it.

I am an adult now, hence why I'm allowed to be here, but I don't act like it. I feel like I'm permanently stuck at the age of 14. Every interaction I have with others, whether it's here or elsewhere, only serves to humiliate me.

I wish I could act my age so, so, so desperately, but I fail to. I try so hard to be normal, to seem normal, but I still end up getting too comfortable and making a fool of myself all over again. It breaks my heart to see people inch away from me when I get too enthusiastic, but I don't blame them! I know I can be a lot.

It's not in any incel-y way. I have a romantic partner! I just hate how pathetic I can be. I wish I could act my age. I know me being autistic is a contributor, but it still stinks. It's very hard for me to make friends when I can act like such a little kid.

...Or whatever. I shouldn't whine too much, even though there's the venting tag! I shouldn't be such a downer all the time. I just always emba