nomoredolor
Specialist
- Sep 7, 2024
- 370
I'm so haunted by everything that has happened, by every conversation with Jesse everything makes me think of him. I feel so much guilt that my best wasn't good enough and then guilt because I'm going to Ctb and hurt my family. I want to drink or do drugs or hurt myself anything so I don't have to feel. Life is so overwhelming always several somethings being thrown at you. I don't know how much more I can take. My brain is spiraling and I just want to stop the pain. I feel so guilty for what I'm going to do I ask god all the time to kill me so I don't have to and so the decision is out of my hands. I pray I'll die in my sleep. Or I fantasize about people on the internet killing me. I feel pathetic. I cry everyday several times throughout the day. When I have health issues that could be fatal I don't get necessary scans because I want it to kill me. I'm losing time and I'm in a fog I have so much to do. And I have to move but doesn't that sound like the perfect time to Ctb? When my life is already inboxes? I've tried to wait until later this year for reasons but I don't know if I'm strong enough. And this just feels like the "natural" time to go when everything is going to boxed up anyway. Just tied up in a bow. I've purchased my burial plot and signed a contact with the funeral home and have a small insurance policy to cover the expenses and such. I want to be with my love
Anna
Anna
and appreciate your sentiments
