Venting I blew it up

[lonergirl_26]

within 18 hours I ruined my relationship, ruined a 25 day clean streak from sh and my guinea pig was put down.
This is all entirely my own doing. I betrayed my exs trust in the worst way. I put my own selfish need of having a friend before his boundaries. Of course it all blew up when he found out.
I don't feel upset that the relationship ended, things had been bad for a while, but I am upset that I hurt him so badly.
I'm also upset that I've lost my only chance of freedom and someone to talk to.
My guinea pig was very sick and putting him to sleep was the best choice for him. My animals mean everything to me. In a way my self worth depends on them.

After 6 months I have another appointment with mental health services at the end of the month. I don't have any expectations of them actually doing anything.
I've lately been trying to find god. It didn't work as much as I want some divine intervention my brain just cannot accept the concept of actually believing in god.
I keep hoping and waiting for things to get better but they never do.
I'm so sad. I have no direction. No chance of a future. I'm so so lonely.
I feel so lost and don't even have the energy to try and ctb.

 

[never mind me]

I'm sorry for your loss. But it is still good that you can see what was best for your guinea-pig despite your grief.
Also I think it is normal to have friends even if you are in a relationship with someone. I think it is weird for a partner to try to stop a person from having friends. I don't know the background of your story, but in case your boy-friend tried to stop you from seeing a friend just because he's jealous, it seems a very unhealthy behaviour from his side. Maybe being single can be a chance to try to find more friends, so you'll eventually feel less lonely. I know it can be tough to get to know new people and it sometimes takes a lot of time, but once you succeed it can really make a big difference in your life.
Is there a reason why you try to find god? I am not a religious person, but for me it seems hard to force oneself into believing in something supernatural like a god. I actually tried believing in luck charms when I was a teenager after I had discarded the Christian faith I was raised with, but I couldn't get myself to take it serious.