Venting So worried and anxious

[BitterlyAlive_]

I hate this. If I lived alone, it would be so easy to just fucking end it. I would have done it a long time ago. Because of my circumstances, my options feel so limited. I basically have this month to kill myself, or I'll have to wait a couple of months. I cannot hold on for that long. It's so damn hard to just make it through each day, each hour. It's agony. Every day I'm alive, I become even more of an embarrassment, a burden, a waste. The pain gets worse. It's not going to change. Things irl also continue to get worse, and I can't cope with any of that either.

I'm just so afraid of being caught. The consequences would make my life even more unbearable. I couldn't live with that. But I can't account for other people, either. I've done my best to plan this out, but what if people in my life get suspicious when I'm at the hotel and ruin my attempt by calling the police? What if I make too much noise and someone at the hotel hears me, then by trying to "do the right thing", foils my attempt?

My anxiety makes me ruminate over these possibilities again and again. It's torture. It feels like something is guaranteed to go wrong, and then I'm just straight up fucked. This anxiety has ruined so many things in the past. I can't let it fuck up the most important decision of my life.

I just want to fucking die already. And I'm so fucking angry that I can't even post this in The Sanctuary, the safest place here. All because I made a new account. Now I risk someone irl finding this post, too. F u c k. I can't blame anyone but myself, I'm just angry at myself.

 

[Ghost2211]

I understand that trapped and limited feeling. If there is risk of being found it's better to not risk it. As hard as that can be it's not worth the consequences.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I understand that trapped and limited feeling. If there is risk of being found it's better to not risk it. As hard as that can be it's not worth the consequences.

I don't even know if there's really a risk. My anxiety is always creating horrible scenarios and every single bad possibility feels real, even if it's unlikely.

 

[Meditation guide]

I totally understand and sympathize with you. I worry about that too. It's not really crazy to worry about it all either.

 

[FluffyDove]

Do you want to talk to us about what's bothering you? Sometimes it helps just to write it all down. You never know, someone here might be able to help you.

If not, right in this moment, you're safe, you're okay, turn your tv on and watch some rubbish tv, calm your brain as much as you can. You're in control and you got this

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I totally understand and sympathize with you. I worry about that too. It's not really crazy to worry about it all either.

It's horrible. Everything else is set, my finances are golden all things considering. It's just that damn possibility.

Do you want to talk to us about what's bothering you? Sometimes it helps just to write it all down. You never know, someone here might be able to help you.

If not, right in this moment, you're safe, you're okay, turn your tv on and watch some rubbish tv, calm your brain as much as you can. You're in control and you got this

I'm trying to calm down a bit before I consider giving out more details...if there are any more I can publicly say. I want to drink or SH to try and numb out but in this state of mind, it would be dangerous.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Went for a drive. A long drive where I had to really try and focus on what I was doing. It helped a bit... Sigh. It's gonna be a hell of a night.