Venting So fuckin tired

[imlostandtired]

I'm kinda just venting here.

I wanna fucking leave so bad. I hate it here. There's nice people, just none around me that care about enough to ask what's wrong.

I try to really get out of loops to get myself from feeling this way but rn the traumas my life has accumulated feel insurmountable.

It's all my responsibility too which is the fucking kicker. All my fucking traumas and the shit that keeps me feeling fucked up is MY responsibility to fix. Lmao what a fucking insane notion.

I just need to catch the buss rq, but I'm too fucking attached to ppl to leave. No one to give a fuck about asking me how I am, what's wrong, and if they can help. But tons of peoples who would cry if I die and then say they WOULD help only after the fact. Makes me wanna kill myself even more. Almost in the hope that I can see them cry to hopefully feel like I've been cared about or loved at least once in a way I can say felt genuine.

I hope yall are having a better night than me.

 

[plskilme]

Whats wrong? Please enlighten me. I care

 

[imlostandtired]

Whats wrong? Please enlighten me. I care

Groomed as a kid by creepers when I was 12 and it was a thing that lasted several years. Only happened cuz I've had gay/trans feelings that I couldn't talk to anyone since a kid cuz I lived with conservative Christian parents.

I've also built bad coping mechanics around all this that make me miserable including binge eating fits. It's caused me to gain insane amount of weight to the point that I actively hate myself.

I keep all this repressed and have had a smaller number of friends through it all and now I have no friends, no people to even like call acquaintances. I unfortunately still live with my parents because my area is an expensive and I haven't taken hard steps to live a genuine life cuz I can't imagine living without them in my life.

But all of this in combination has drained me and burned me out to the point that every avenue to start fixing my life feels impossible. Now all I can do is pretend to be happy to not make anyone upset, pretend to be happy to customers at work, and cry and be miserable at home.

And now I'm severely isolated, agoraphobic, depressed I think, and can only manage a smile to make others happy but it's been a bad internal environment for me for a long time now.

And it's been several years of these loops and I wish I could have legal euthanasia but I can't if it's not like lethal medical condition related.

I'm just tired of trying. I've done everything to end the cycle of abuse on my end, but I just want to sleep and never wake up.

 

[plskilme]

I also live in an expensive town with my family. 27 atm and I cant take it. I want to desperately move out on my own but can't. Stuck working a dead end job while searching for a new one. Graduated college with a 4.0 GPA and a bachelor's degree and can't find shit. I just want to end up dead as well. Feeling burned out from life like you...

 

[imlostandtired]

I also live in an expensive town with my family. 27 atm and I cant take it. I want to desperately move out on my own but can't. Stuck working a dead end job while searching for a new one. Graduated college with a 4.0 GPA and a bachelor's degree and can't find shit. I just want to end up dead as well. Feeling burned out from life like you...

I can only imagine how it's like, dude. Life does suck tho. Everything is fucked up rn. But I truly hope you can have something that makes you feel any semblance of hope or comfort.

 

[plskilme]

I can only imagine how it's like, dude. Life does suck tho. Everything is fucked up rn. But I truly hope you can have something that makes you feel any semblance of hope or comfort.

It also doesn't help my mental health that I constantly get compared to my younger sister (whos more successful than me). Makes me want to die even more tbh. I wish you the best. I'm sorry about what happened to you when you were younger...

 

[imlostandtired]

It also doesn't help my mental health that I constantly get compared to my younger sister (whos more successful than me). Makes me want to die even more tbh. I wish you the best. I'm sorry about what happened to you when you were younger...

Fuck dude, I feel that sm. I'm not compared to my face but the comparisons come up all the time. I'm the youngest one from my family, and it's like I'm the shitty lazy one who's depressed. I feel how you feel a lot. Being compared to and seeing how I can't ever compare to them makes me wanna CTB in a bad way as well.

And thanks for telling me that. That's the first time I've ever been told someone's sorry about that. It feels weird but I appreciate it.

 

[plskilme]

Fuck dude, I feel that sm. I'm not compared to my face but the comparisons come up all the time. I'm the youngest one from my family, and it's like I'm the shitty lazy one who's depressed. I feel how you feel a lot. Being compared to and seeing how I can't ever compare to them makes me wanna CTB in a bad way as well.

And thanks for telling me that. That's the first time I've ever been told someone's sorry about that. It feels weird but I appreciate it.

My only reason for staying alive at this point is pokemon and competitive beyblade tbh. If it wasn't for those (mainly pokemon) I would have killed myself a long time ago...

 

[imlostandtired]

My only reason for staying alive at this point is pokemon and competitive beyblade tbh. If it wasn't for those (mainly pokemon) I would have killed myself a long time ago...

That's me rn with game development. It's just me fucking around with some code and an AI and making stuff. It's just like something to anchor me here but some days it's barely enough. Like the pain of every day fights with it.

Beyblades and pomemon are awesome tho. I'm glad you found something that keeps you here