So frustrated I cannot just accept ctb

[Polly]

I spend all my time fighting with myself about whether to live or die. It's torture. And I'm doing neither.

I wish I could pummel Si and just set a date and then enjoy the rest of my time.

 

[Squiddy]

I know how you feel. I wish I could just make up my mind on whether to live or die.

 

[TheEndof]

I feel you. Though, at this point I'm just staying here for others. It sucks but it basically has to be this way for now. If it weren't for other people, I would 1000% ctb right now. I have not even a smidge of hesitation when it comes to myself.

 

[LMLN]

I feel you. Though, at this point I'm just staying here for others. It sucks but it basically has to be this way for now. If it weren't for other people, I would 1000% ctb right now. I have not even a smidge of hesitation when it comes to myself.

Me too. If not for my family I would not hesitate.

 

[faust]

One difficult issue about CTB is that sometimes you may think you do not want to die or feel a little bit better than usual. And when it is getting better, you can think that may be CTB is not necessary for you, maybe there is a way out. Or when you already have everything planned you realize that certainty about the future makes you feel more calm. Although you may know you will die anyway, sometimes it feels like you have just thrown away that burden from your shoulders. Or out of the blue it starts getting worse.
I think if you have any doubts about whether to stay or to go, it would be better not to hurry. You can always stay there, talk to other users, maybe do your own research. It is normal to hesitate, especially in decisions like that. Just know you are always welcome here!

 

[faust]

For me it's a matter of if I miss the bus I may never get a chance again. This can be due to accepting my fate of constant misery thanks to SI, or methods like SN being outlawed in the future and thus no longer being available. I know my future is bouncing in and out of psych wards, as I cannot take care of myself without my parents to support me, just the thought of them being gone one day and not having the strength to CTB by then terrifies me. I cry over it from time to time.

My only hope is that SI doesn't fuck me. I wish my country would legalize euthanasia for severe psychiatric conditions soon. Doing that would finally allow me to be honest with my family and doctor about how I feel to an extent so at the very least I don't have to lie about not wanting to live. I envy people like Adam Maier-Clayton who had full support from both of his parents when he chose to CTB to end his suffering.

To tell you the truth, I have such a fear too that in the future it might not be so much ways to die with dignity. And the access to N will be restricted. Nowadays many of the substances can technically be acquired, but the future is unpredictable.

 

[Polly]

The only thing holding me here is SI. And I want ti defeat it.

 

[Ghost2211]

SI often gets easier to overcome as time goes on.

 

[hatelife]

I feel you. Though, at this point I'm just staying here for others. It sucks but it basically has to be this way for now. If it weren't for other people, I would 1000% ctb right now. I have not even a smidge of hesitation when it comes to myself.

same

 

[Travis Pickle]

I spend all my time fighting with myself about whether to live or die. It's torture. And I'm doing neither.

I wish I could pummel Si and just set a date and then enjoy the rest of my time.

I think the majority of us can relate to this, deffo resonates with me.

 

[Deleted-User-0]

I have been there before it's just a matter of time to figure out what you really want. The fact that death is a one way road causes a lot of hesitation. The entire body is fighting for survival so it's a natural process don't be too harsh on yourself. Wish you peace and comfort whatever you decide to do