SI and my decision-making process

[SofterSoftest]

I was set to CTB in early May, but now that D is out of N (at least temporarily, it seems), I have SN as a back-up. As much as I really wanted to CTB in May, I think if I'm honest with myself I would likely fail with SN, because the tachycardia, nausea, and possible pain would definitely trigger an SI response. As much I've wanted to CTB for a very large majority of my life, aspects of my life not having to do with my mental health are (at the very least) stable/predictable right this moment, so I'm pretty sure my SI would kick into overdrive and I'd call for help. As much as everyone here says the effects of SN are totally reversible, I have read peer-reviewed articles that discuss conditions like acute (and even chronic) renal failure and gastric ulcers (plural) as potential outcomes of SN poisoning, so SN + SI + methylene blue sounds like it would just create physical health issues on top of my poor mental health.

If a major world event happens that will for sure affect me in a profoundly negative way (I belong to several very hated minority groups), if I lose my financial stability, or if I lose some people in my life who have (to this point) kept me alive, I will at that point use SN as an emergency exit because the situation would then be dire enough for me to know for certain I could override my SI.

Is anyone else feeling like different methods (in different life situations) might influence the degree to which SI could kick in?

 

[Doombox]

I was set to CTB in early May, but now that D is out of N (at least temporarily, it seems), I have SN as a back-up. As much as I really wanted to CTB in May, I think if I'm honest with myself I would likely fail with SN, because the tachycardia, nausea, and possible pain would definitely trigger an SI response. As much I've wanted to CTB for a very large majority of my life, aspects of my life not having to do with my mental health are (at the very least) stable/predictable right this moment, so I'm pretty sure my SI would kick into overdrive and I'd call for help. As much as everyone here says the effects of SN are totally reversible, I have read peer-reviewed articles that discuss conditions like acute (and even chronic) renal failure and gastric ulcers (plural) as potential outcomes of SN poisoning, so SN + SI + methylene blue sounds like it would just create physical health issues on top of my poor mental health.

If a major world event happens that will for sure affect me in a profoundly negative way (I belong to several very hated minority groups), if I lose my financial stability, or if I lose some people in my life who have (to this point) kept me alive, I will at that point use SN as an emergency exit because the situation would then be dire enough for me to know for certain I could override my SI.

Is anyone else feeling like different methods (in different life situations) might influence the degree to which SI could kick in?

I appreciate your post because I got SN from the rainforest and I have been fretting about it. I don't have the AE which is a roadblock, but SI is a big concern of mine too. I honestly don't know if the severity of my situation would influence my SI or not. My situation is pretty bad right now but I still worry I would make an ass of myself in a panic.

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be difficult to overcome the survival instinct as we are programmed to survive but I do believe that the more that someone is suffering, the easier it is to overcome the SI, as they are desperate to escape from this life. The main thing that holds me back from ctb personally is the lack of peaceful way to exit and the fear of failure, but I think that I will eventually find a way to leave when I get very desperate. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.