Shallow Friendships

[Blurry_Buildings]

I remember someone once described me as someone who is friends with everyone. It was very surprising to me at the time because I felt like that statement couldn't have been further from the truth. I smiled, laughed, then changed the subject. I have a lot of people who say we are friends, but I always feel bad about it, because to me it feels like I have none. It's like I'm constantly acting however I think they'll like, because complaining about being in pain constantly wouldn't be enjoyable to be around, and maybe because at some point I just stopped caring. In a way maybe someone who has many shallow friendships really has none at all, but to the people who don't see our friendship as shallow, I'm sure it would hurt them to know I felt that way. I have many truly shallow friendships, and a few who would say we are friends who I think secretly hate me, but there are some I am fully aware I should not see as shallow, but for some reason I do, or at least I feel that way, even when I know they don't. If I were a better person, and a better friend, I don't think I would see it this way. There is a deficiency somewhere with how I handle and see my friendships, not just from hiding being tired or in pain, but I can't figure out what it is. I care about them a lot as people, but the distance between us feels dauntingly massive.