RottenSoul
Disociating through life
- Dec 20, 2021
- 7
My self hatred and low self esteem has been the main cause of all my problems. I can't make connection with people since i don't want them to see who i am, because who would have fun with a person who hates themselves? I am afraid i will just be a burden, that's why i hide it, i always stop myself from connecting with people, being emotional and deepen my relationship with them because i am afraid they will hate me for who i am.
I was talking with one of my friends the other day and he told me that i have never asked him anything actually personal about him, he knows all about my mental health issues and he's helped a lot so many times but overcoming this self hatred needs a lot of work and personal work. He had saved me in the past day when i was at a camping and stabbed myself in the calf because a girl i liked was interested in another person, a person less attractive than me and with more issues than me and it was my fault. I asked from him to help me because he is very patient and I knew he wouldn't immediately call an ambulance on me and tell anyone about, i didn't want to go to the psych ward or bother the other people there with the stupid decision of stabbing myself. She had shown signs to me but i never could make myself to tell her because i couldn't believe anyone would take a liking to me. She would sit next to me and obviously wanted to do something with me but i couldn't bring myself to make a move. At the camping she literally asked by herself to put sun protector on me but i still couldn't bring myself to show her my feelings, it felt impossible and i hated myself for it, because i was alone and it was my fault, it is my fault that i don't really have close friends or at least i feel like i don't. It is my fault that i am 20 and have no experience with girls.
i have come to be in the third year of uni and i feel like i am still in the first, i expected uni to be this place where i will have the chances i didn't have at school but i didn't and it's all because of my self hatred, a self hatred that i have caused to myself from my perfectionism. When i was at school and was at a course to take exams i would study all the time, even a single mistake and i would internally scold myself for it, because i used it as a source of self worth and feeling for once that i am better at something. I ended up getting pretty much perfect scores and got in electrical engineering which is basically the hardest university department but i still felt it is not enough because even though i went there i didn't feel like i deserved it, i felt like a fake, like an impostor. The perfectionism rooted so deep and lead to who i am today, all because i did it to myself.
Nobody knows about how i actually feel, or at least can't actually get how i feel because even if i tell them i can't describe this intense feeling of anxiety and pain my inner critic voice creates and is present constantly 24/7. When i am with other people i am this happy, fun person that everybody likes but deep inside i hate myself so much and think about killing myself everyday. I am happy because i have been used to this extreme mental anguish that even the slightest pleasure makes me happy, i can literally make myself laugh uncontrollably right now but deep inside i will still be dead.
Sorry if this vent was big but i wanted to right this down.
I was talking with one of my friends the other day and he told me that i have never asked him anything actually personal about him, he knows all about my mental health issues and he's helped a lot so many times but overcoming this self hatred needs a lot of work and personal work. He had saved me in the past day when i was at a camping and stabbed myself in the calf because a girl i liked was interested in another person, a person less attractive than me and with more issues than me and it was my fault. I asked from him to help me because he is very patient and I knew he wouldn't immediately call an ambulance on me and tell anyone about, i didn't want to go to the psych ward or bother the other people there with the stupid decision of stabbing myself. She had shown signs to me but i never could make myself to tell her because i couldn't believe anyone would take a liking to me. She would sit next to me and obviously wanted to do something with me but i couldn't bring myself to make a move. At the camping she literally asked by herself to put sun protector on me but i still couldn't bring myself to show her my feelings, it felt impossible and i hated myself for it, because i was alone and it was my fault, it is my fault that i don't really have close friends or at least i feel like i don't. It is my fault that i am 20 and have no experience with girls.
i have come to be in the third year of uni and i feel like i am still in the first, i expected uni to be this place where i will have the chances i didn't have at school but i didn't and it's all because of my self hatred, a self hatred that i have caused to myself from my perfectionism. When i was at school and was at a course to take exams i would study all the time, even a single mistake and i would internally scold myself for it, because i used it as a source of self worth and feeling for once that i am better at something. I ended up getting pretty much perfect scores and got in electrical engineering which is basically the hardest university department but i still felt it is not enough because even though i went there i didn't feel like i deserved it, i felt like a fake, like an impostor. The perfectionism rooted so deep and lead to who i am today, all because i did it to myself.
Nobody knows about how i actually feel, or at least can't actually get how i feel because even if i tell them i can't describe this intense feeling of anxiety and pain my inner critic voice creates and is present constantly 24/7. When i am with other people i am this happy, fun person that everybody likes but deep inside i hate myself so much and think about killing myself everyday. I am happy because i have been used to this extreme mental anguish that even the slightest pleasure makes me happy, i can literally make myself laugh uncontrollably right now but deep inside i will still be dead.
Sorry if this vent was big but i wanted to right this down.
