seeking advice

[pleasexbexover]

hi
made a few posts on here, some more detailed than others. moral of the story is that things keep getting worse. to the point where I don't see any way out. I've managed to sign up for free online therapy but have already been discharged once bc I rescheduled an appointment 3 times (I dont feel like it or anything else helps). Ive gotten up to smoking at least 2 grams of weed a day when it used to be 1 max, I cant tell that meds are working, im eating like shit because the taste of things distracts me for a second, but nothing is benefitting me.
I dont know what to do anymore. even when I wasn't huge, when I wasn't physically hurting everyday, I was still mentally struggling. I've experimented with at least 10 different antidepressants/dosages (via my psychiatrist). Even though the load was much lighter, it was still there. I feel like I cant win at all. I've been referred for partial hospitalization twice and haven't gone because I either didn't have transportation, and since losing my mother, there's no way I can miss that much work. Even though im already about to lose this house.
I dont know what to do. There's still things I want to do, like travel more, hopefully experience romance, and other dumb shit, but my want for it isn't strong enough to outweigh my despair anymore. I dont want to be here. At all. I dont want to kill myself, but I cant keep going like this and legitimately don't see another way out. I dont know what to do. And it just keeps getting worse and I just keep feeling more and more alone

 

[wine is fine but]

you do not want to die, so there is your answer about what to do

you have been through so much and while it will not seem that way at present, things will be easier as you get older

life has already thrown you so much crap and yet you are still here. hopefully you can find a way to make it through - and show the universe just who is boss. you have been very brave so far, and i am sure your parents would not want you to join them just yet. they would want you to keep going and to enjoy your life

 

[pleasexbexover]

you do not want to die, so there is your answer about what to do

you have been through so much and while it will not seem that way at present, things will be easier as you get older

life has already thrown you so much crap and yet you are still here. hopefully you can find a way to make it through - and show the universe just who is boss. you have been very brave so far, and i am sure your parents would not want you to join them just yet. they would want you to keep going and to enjoy your life

Thank you but as I've aged things have done nothing but get worse. I'm afraid thats now the trend for my life

 

[wine is fine but]

Thank you but as I've aged things have done nothing but get worse. I'm afraid thats now the trend for my life

things are much better at 30
you are still in the toughest age group of all - at present, you are not a kid, but not really an adult - your emotions will not be so intense in the near future. maybe it is not worth sticking around, but maybe, just maybe it is

 

[coolcow1289]

First, and I can't stress this enough, quit the weed. If you do anything, that's what you need to do. You can kill yourself after, but quit the weed. Believe me when I say that's a large part of your problem. It will be impossible to find motivation to fix your problems when you're smoking that much, or even at all.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine losing my mom. It isn't your fault you're in your current state. But it is if you stay in it.

In your current state you're rotting. Either way you'll have to find energy, or your state will stay exactly the same. It takes initiative to fix your life. It takes initiative to end it. But you'll be in the same place in 5 years if you don't do anything at all. Motivation is a state of mind, but it's also a choice. Create a list of things to do to improve your life and hold yourself to it.