Scared of 30

[missporcelain]

Can anyone out there relate to the innate, crippling fear of turning a new age? In June, I will be 30, and I have been in a crisis. Please tell me how to use prescriptions (I use benzos and have Oxy from 2022) to go. I do not say that lightly. Life's highs are very high, but the lows are unbearable. The lows outweigh the highs, death is coming for everyone, and I don't know if I actually want to grow older. All my friends are married and/or have kids.

I feel like I lost the memo. And I feel so lost, stuck, and crippled by anxiety and intrusive thoughts. A therapist I saw several years ago suggested I likely struggle with OCD…and the rumination and obsessions and thoughts make me feel like a prisoner to my own self. My love life is awful (three relationships and a lot of dating later and I am so burned out…dating feels nearly impossible) and always ends badly - this gets to me the most - I had to move back in with my parents due to nocturnal seizures. Work was cut in half, and I have not been financially where I need to be to live independently again.

And I turn 30 in two months. I don't think I want to live to see it. I really don't. I don't want to be 30, and something about leaving the world forever 29 seems so much better.

I feel lile such a failure. I work really hard for things, think I'm making good and healthy strides, but the plot twists feel like a curse. I don't know what I keep doing wrong, why I attract the chaos I do, but I've been in a really manic headspace…and now that the mania is dying down and I'm faced with reality, a lot of existential questions, and a depression difficult to articulate, I want to know my options. I just don't know if I can make it to 30. It sounds stupid, but life is so heavy on my shoulders, all the decisions and choices are up to me, and the overwhelm and panic I feel as my birthday gets closer makes me long for the grave.

 

[TAW122]

I had the same thing back in 2019, when I was 29, and I dread every time there is another year, another year alive to suffer and experience sentience that I don't want to experience... However, I coped and tolerated bullshit itself (and lived through the pandemic). Now in the year 2026, I will be 36 later this year, and I am planning for my own personal demise by my own hand on my own terms, sooner than later.. Of course, sentience and life itself can be unpredictable and even when I made my decision, I am not going to rush it or attempt haphazardly until I'm as close to absolute certainty (near 100%) that I am ready, prepared, and also confidently know I can follow through, no half-assed attempts, or anything that leads to failure..

I hope you find the peace you are looking for..

 

[ireallywasnttogopls]

i can heavily relate

 

[Red.one]

I feel the same. Have some time to 30 but I still feel like I'm 24. I'm workings with teens and tweens. Sometimes they ask me if I have kids - I'm always like... Does my cats count? Sometimes they think I'm like 21... Every single time I'm confused.
I think that everyone goes with what they are - some people feels like they are 40+ when they are 20. Some gives you "forever young" vibes. You're just one of them ig? Me too, so high 5?