As the title suggests I just realized that my ctb plan feels like a threat for me and not like a way out. Normally knowing I have the option to ctb has always felt like a relief. But currently it is the opposite. I would go by FSH and would only need to find a tree some place without people around to do it. But I don't really want to do that. I don't really want to die as until April this year I felt happy for quite a while. What changed everything was getting a bad cold with laryngitis that eventually became chronic. To make matters worse it happend while on a round the world trip, meaning I was in a foreign country and had given up my job and my appartment (and as a consequence health insurance) in my home country.
But every day that goes by I feel more pressured that when things don't improve I have no other choice than to ctb. I actually went back to my home country and paid for a doctors visit and am currently staying with friends. But I am so scared of having to leave and still not feeling better (this has happened before when I stayed at my boy-friends`appartment) and not knowing where to go. I could probably drag it out a bit by paying for an Air BnB or something, but at this point I feel so discouraged that every time I think about it I am just promising myself: "When I can't stay here any longer and can't find anywhere else to stay I will just ctb." And in a way these thoughts seem the only way to keep me going as I was already very tempted to ctb with whatever method that presented itself (at one point being very tempted to just get into the cold and rough sea) when this sickness got really bad while still being overseas, so I always convinced myself to do a certain thing and see if it helps and if it doesn't I can still ctb. And at the same time I now get really scared of this thought, because I feel like I am running out of options. And as a consequence I feel like I need to ctb, even if I don't want to. But I also have the thought that it was me who got myself into this mess (by giving up my job and appartment for travel, by not taking good care of myself when sick) and therefore I should deal with the consequences which may very well mean ctb. I am just so confused at this point.
But every day that goes by I feel more pressured that when things don't improve I have no other choice than to ctb. I actually went back to my home country and paid for a doctors visit and am currently staying with friends. But I am so scared of having to leave and still not feeling better (this has happened before when I stayed at my boy-friends`appartment) and not knowing where to go. I could probably drag it out a bit by paying for an Air BnB or something, but at this point I feel so discouraged that every time I think about it I am just promising myself: "When I can't stay here any longer and can't find anywhere else to stay I will just ctb." And in a way these thoughts seem the only way to keep me going as I was already very tempted to ctb with whatever method that presented itself (at one point being very tempted to just get into the cold and rough sea) when this sickness got really bad while still being overseas, so I always convinced myself to do a certain thing and see if it helps and if it doesn't I can still ctb. And at the same time I now get really scared of this thought, because I feel like I am running out of options. And as a consequence I feel like I need to ctb, even if I don't want to. But I also have the thought that it was me who got myself into this mess (by giving up my job and appartment for travel, by not taking good care of myself when sick) and therefore I should deal with the consequences which may very well mean ctb. I am just so confused at this point.
