Recovery isn't worth it. I fooled myself into thinking it was

[Water-Lily]

I tired. I tried hard. And in the end, I realized I could't do it. I fuck up too much, and get hurt too much. I fucked up pretty damn badly today. Potentially ruined a friendship, pushed away everyone, and is in a shit tone of pain. I am done. I am fucking done. I am just tired of this shit. All those times I tried convincing myself suicide was the right thing to do, I should have done it. I always know the min I start feeling better, I am going to regret it. And the same thing happened again today.

I need to start listening to myself. The answer is clear. I am a mentally unstable, permanently broken, abusive borderline personality disorder fuck up. And that is that. Next time this happens, I need to do it for real. I will write up a note. Post it, and then turn off all my electronics so nobody can contact me. And then do it. I cannot keep living in this cycle of pain. Over, and over, and over. It's too fucking much. So...next time will be the end. Guaranteed. Unfortunately I couldnt kill myself today because, to put it bluntly, I am a coward. But hopefully one day I can stare death in the face and say "I'm ready, take me". It will happen one day. I am sure. In the end, I will have to push myself. To ride the subway, walk to the bridge. And then jump. And it will all be over.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

I tired. I tried hard. And in the end, I realized I could't do it. I fuck up too much, and get hurt too much. I fucked up pretty damn badly today. Potentially ruined a friendship, pushed away everyone, and is in a shit tone of pain. I am done. I am fucking done. I am just tired of this shit. All those times I tried convincing myself suicide was the right thing to do, I should have done it. I always know the min I start feeling better, I am going to regret it. And the same thing happened again today.

I need to start listening to myself. The answer is clear. I am a mentally unstable, permanently broken, abusive borderline personality disorder fuck up. And that is that. Next time this happens, I need to do it for real. I will write up a note. Post it, and then turn off all my electronics so nobody can contact me. And then do it. I cannot keep living in this cycle of pain. Over, and over, and over. It's too fucking much. So...next time will be the end. Guaranteed. Unfortunately I couldnt kill myself today because, to put it bluntly, I am a coward. But hopefully one day I can stare death in the face and say "I'm ready, take me". It will happen one day. I am sure. In the end, I will have to push myself. To ride the subway, walk to the bridge. And then jump. And it will all be over.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. You are not a broken borderline personality fuckup. You are uniquely you and important too.

 

[SuicidalAgain]

You aren't a coward. You tried to recover even after this cycle has been going on for so long. Trying takes strength.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks so much to feel like we have no other option. Feel free to pm me, can't allow a fellow Pokémon trainer to suffer alone :)

I hope you can at least rest for now.

 

[Carrotcake]

I feel your pain of trying your best in recovery, but failing every time. It's such a painful, bitter disappointment. Sending you my love

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be painful when we try to get better and yet things don't go to plan. This life can be so cruel and I'm sorry it has come to this. I wish you well.

 

[Torold]

You're not a coward my friend. The fact that you've dealt with suicidal thoughts in the past and continued on living is a testament to your resilience and persistence. To face death is quite terrifying for sure, but to face life after making so many mistakes is something else entirely. If you do decide to go on living, I believe that the courage you currently embody can give your life a great deal of meaning. No matter what you choose to do, I hope you find a release from your suffering ❤

 

[jscudd55]

I understand i suffer from a mix of bpd and npd and I'm at the point where recovery doesn't seem worth it or possible. Even knowing that i hit up old ex i really liked trying to get back to basically live for her do everything in my life for her for no questions cause I didn't care about my life at all but she said no so im just waiting to save up for N. Its really painful to know you're the cause for most of your pain even when trying not to it is a deflating feeling to not want to hurt the people you care about and you still do.