Story I don't think I'll ever be able to relax for relaxing brings me bad news.

[lohre2000s]

After mother was gone and burned I had for the first time in my life to be "responsible". It's shameful to admit that as a 24 year old boy, but I always had it so much easier because of mom.
Selling my old house in my good old town I lived for 20 years is not easy - it still wasn't bought because economy is shit and it seems like it won't sell for too much. Lawyers, lawyers, lawyers... I'm so tired having to deal with them.
It's been 6 months since her death and I still hasn't managed to resolve the issues related to her will. My sister hates me quite literally said she "wishes to destroy my life" (she always caused trouble for me and mom, and I deeply believe mom's cancer was spread because of the stress my sister caused). I never wanted to be hated. I never wished for ANY of this.
I have found myself unable to relax. I can't relax AT ALL. I can't play videogames, watch movies or generally do anything enjoyable besides art (since it feels productive). I'm always waiting for the next "bad news" to arrive. Always terrified of whatever could happen.
Today I was trying to have some fun alone at the karaoke, got myself a room, some soda and started singing. It distracts me, it's one of the few things I enjoy doing. I like singing "sad classic musical like songs" (?) like Total Eclipse of a Heart, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Without You, Memory... anyways. As I was singing Liza Minnelli's Cabaret, I got a call, it seems like the current buyer of my house wants to give up from buying it. The documents are taking way too long and he doesn't want to wait anymore.
I start sweating and feeling nauseous, as this is pretty much all the money I would have. Now, karaoke, like every other thing, is spoiled for me. It just proved my point. I can't relax. If I relax, bad news happen.

I hate my current life. Nothing good ever happens. Maybe it's punishment for being such a coward while being so privileged. I wish I had a gun to kill myself, cause it's the only way I'd manage it.

 

[webb&flow]

Relaxing is not what actually caused the bad news: What actually happened is that bad news interrupted you while you were relaxing. I'm sorry to hear that—that's an awful coincidence for sure.

Future karaoke experiences will help to detach this association.

Maybe it's punishment for being such a coward while being so privileged.

The world does not administer punishment based off privilege <3.

---

It seems the whole situation with the house is leaving an open loop in your mind that is stressing you out.

Was the house put up for sale to help with your financial situation?

Here is what is happening inside your brain: The stress of the house is activating the same biological systems that the human body has always used for threat monitoring. The same circuits that activate when you see a tiger in the wild are the same ones that are causing the stress about your house right now. In the wilderness, the tiger would leave, and your systems would go back to baseline. But it seems this stress of the house is bothering you continously.

I really hope someone happens to pick up the house. Is there a way to have it back if it won't sell? Just wondering <3.

Here is one possible solution to this stress. Avoid prediction. Avoid anticipation. If something bad happens, then you will notice it naturally, without anticipating it. Sometimes a phone call with bad news will come up. That can't be predicted, and so it should not be. If you spend 100% of your time on standby, your systems will feel more strained, not less. If you avoid anticipation, bad things will come as a shock: but there will be reduced strain overall from not anticipating.

This is what is most peaceful: a mind like water. Water doesn't anticipate what falls onto it. When a pebble falls into it, it makes a pebble-sized splash. When a big rock falls into it, it makes a big rock sized splash. It doesn't tense up a few moments before the impact happens—it remains still and responds with the severity and shock an impact naturally brings. It's okay to feel pain and shock: but removing anticipation, stopping ourselves from obsessively checking around the corner, and just looking at the ground we walk upon—taking it as it comes—this is what will actually allow us to live in some peace.

True generosity to the future is giving all to the present.

—Albert Camus

Feel free to write whatever you like in reply. We are here for you <3.