Recovery Diary & Song of the Day

[baeblade]

Hello SaSu, I recently found something I want to do in life. Something really hard and something that will take me years, probably decades. I haven't had I severe breakdown in a month now, and I think I still have have it in me to at least try. I know I won't ever really be happy with my life, and it's okay, I accepted that. There probably will be times when I'll want to kill myself again, I also accepted that. I'm too tired of not doing anything or being anything. Whatever happens to me at this point, I am okay with it. If I do kill myself in the end, maybe someone will read this and at least remember me. If I don't, maybe someone will read this and try to do the same.

Today I made myself some oatmeal, it was pretty good. Trying to get my eating in place. Also started working out recently. Haven't made any considerable progress. Job search is not going well. Deathly scared of other people. Hate everyone, hate myself. When I touch my hand, it feels like another person, not me. I feel like don't have anything in the world. Sleep habits are very very bad. I can only sleep if I am extremely tired, otherwise my thoughts get out of control and don't let me. But I am trying earnestly to do what I can.

Today's song is "Soulbreaker" by A.G. Cook. I will check in with you tomorrow.

 

[baeblade]

Hello SaSu, I am feeling pretty okay today. I even slept surprisingly good? Maybe writing my thoughts down helped in keeping them organized. It turns out a lot of nutritious food doesn't take that much time or effort! Had a good workout today too. Kinda feel like like I'm not putting enough energy in, but also doing quite decently for how fatigued I am? It's also really hard when you have no money for a gym and just one dumbbell. I will have to buy more of them soon. With what money? Have no idea lol. Trying to quit smoking... So far only managed to go from a pack per day to like 17-18. But it's better than no result at all.
A couple weeks weeks ago a pidgeon flew into my balcony, was very exhausted and dehydrated. Gave it food and water, and, it's silly but I thought "if I think the bird deserves to live, why not me?" When I think about the worst moments in my life, the most painful thing in all of them was further and further giving up on my dreams. I don't want to go through that again. I will avoid it at all costs.

Today's song is "Immortal" by Thy Slaughter. I will check in tomorrow.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I don't have much time to post in depth but beautiful. Love this song of the day thing. I avoid the sanctuary cuz it's content I don't feel like looking at so to see this trend of personal diaries from a more attempting recovery angle is nice

More than a woman by Aaliyah is my song of the day

 

[baeblade]

I don't have much time to post in depth but beautiful. Love this song of the day thing. I avoid the sanctuary cuz it's content I don't feel like looking at so to see this trend of personal diaries from a more attempting recovery angle is nice

More than a woman by Aaliyah is my song of the day

Thank you! I've been meaning to get into Aaliyah for some time now, so I guess I'll start with this song :)


Hello SaSu, I don't have much to say today. Despite my sleeping getting better, I've started feeling worse. My brain has been foggy all day, and my motor function is kinda delayed? Don't know what that means honestly. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself, too tired for everything but also too energized to sit around. Today is a rest day from the workouts, still eating good. My biceps are looking bigger.
Lately I've been suspecting I have ADHD, but my country rejected the latest ICD, so I can't even get diagnosed or treated. Lol. I've started playing a game called "Blasphemous" to have a short-term goal that will keep me going for now. Luckily there's a sequel too, so I know I'll be here for at least a month. When I'm done, I'll find something else to keep busy.

Today's song of the day is "All the things" by Yung Lean. I will check in tomorrow.

Looks like the website combines two replies in one message and I don't know how to separate them

 

[baeblade]

Hello again SaSu, feeling even worse today... It's like my head is spinning all the time. For the first time in my life, the isolation really caught up to me. I wish so badly for someone else to be near me right now. I don't know if I have the energy to workout today. I'll try.
I used to be scared of going to sleep. Just before drifting off, I would get this crazy sleep paralysis/hallucination. It felt like someone was grabbing my leg or arm, or whispering some disgusting things in my ear. And although the sensations stopped and the fear eventually passed, today I had a very disturbing dream about myself, not even gonna describe it. So I'm scared again.
I feel very useless today, like a stain on my family. I still catch myself thinking "it would be more efficient to die instead of trying to change". I wanna call or text one of my old friends, but I don't think anyone cares anymore.

I've started listening to more upbeat music to get myself hyped for the day.

So today's song is "Nothing More To Say" by SOPHIE. It's one of my favourite ever. It makes me think everything is going to be okay.

 

[baeblade]

Hi SaSu. My head is fucking killing me today. I can't do anything.

Today's song is "God" by Matt proxy.

 

[CopingWithSenility]

Hi SaSu. My head is fucking killing me today. I can't do anything.

Today's song is "God" by Matt proxy.

I like your taste in music.

 

[baeblade]

I like your taste in music.

Thanks. Only started to get into ug about two years ago. Any recs?

 

[.idiot]

Thanks. Only started to get into ug about two years ago. Any recs?

The entire No One Was Driving The Car album by La Dispute.

 

[baeblade]

The entire No One Was Driving The Car album by La Dispute.

I meant "ug" as in underground rap haha. But still thanks! I will listen.

 

[baeblade]

Hi SaSu. I still feel like shit but it looks like I'm getting a little better? I would really like to avoid a doctor visit. Today was completely uneventful though.

Today's song is "Brexia" by Palmistry.

 

[Cloud Busting]

): oh my goodness I had this whole reply to you and I never finished and it got erased

I honestly don't even have time to post but I admire that, for as hard as things are for you, you're still posting to this thread, I think that says a lot about your drive despite the dark place you're in (:

I don't keep up with hip hop anymore like I used to sadly don't know what the movement is up to I know I liked the little simz sometimes I'm introvert or whatever album but

I second @.idiot on la dispute being great if you are into post hardcore I also really like touché amore (:

My tastes are shitty but very varried so I can't say my tastes are boring

Also Princess Aliyah I was seven when she died… her first album is uh yeah well she was married illegally at 15 to R. Kelly lol and he produced it. Got kicked off label and teamed up with missy Elliot and timbaland and that's her good work. IMO those two subsequent albums… oh man one in a million… so goooood

Really reccomend her single Are you that somebody for the stupid dr Doolittle movie I was only four and I was mesmerized by that woman…. Goodness, she was everything really….

My song for the day well wtf YouTube did you recommend me:



This is a weird album from the 70s I've never heard of in my life it's instrumental jazz I was intrigued I get stuck in ruts it's nice to expand my horizons with some weird unexpected shit but that is not a song it's an album so my song of the day cuz it weirdly reminded me of this:



Sorry if you dislike instrumentals they clear my head tho

Ugh Danny brown yeah I need to brush up on my underground hip hop bladee is good idk I'm not hip anymore I'm lame and old

You haven't posted since Thursday and wherever you are I hope you're well and feel free to vent about doctors if you come back sure many could relate