DmMeToChatINeedFrie
New Member
- Sep 9, 2026
- 2
I have had awful sleep lately. Intense anxiety consumes my being in entirety, only calming down when exhaustion meets delirium. I'm so tired. I am slowly being dissolved into nothingness^1 but still try to care, even if it's so little, it keeps the faintest droplets of myself still visible.
I'm sitting at my desk idly scrolling Youtube and I feel guilty. Guilty of waking up before my morning wake up goal and being consumed by anxiety once again. If I try to actively regulate my emotions, I start thinking, having thoughts, and those thoughts only make me more anxious. I have a rare elongated clarity of thought at the moment, helped by the environment of this forum and for once in a blue moon actually writing.
I think to myself that I could lay down in bed, and listen to Youtube but that feels so *awful*. Not the right way of sleeping nor a way that would get me to sleep as quick. It would be low quality sleep and much less than if I laid in bed without distractions.
But I would atleast be laying down. I wouldn't be calm, but I would feel atleast a *little* less anxious. It is like bashing my head against the wall and cutting my arm. It is not good to bash my head against the wall, humorous to point out literally in fact. Nor, is it good to cut my arm. But, at least cutting my arm (in a safe manner) is leagues better. There is no airy sense of brain damage, I see and feel exactly what is harmed.
It is very late. I am going to try to lay down and listen to Youtube. I will try not to shame myself that this is bad. And if it ultimately looks like I can't do that. Then maybe I will go try less: turn off the lights while I use my computer; maybe sit in bed and use my computer--even though common advice dictates that makes it ultimately harder to sleep--it's better than nothing.
If I am hitting myself, I try to do it a little softer but don't worry if I can't. If I am berating myself, I try to use kinder insults but don't worry if I can't. It's okay to try to do what you can, even if what you can is leagues below what's considered normal. I hate when people tell me to be kind to myself because it's a little insulting they don't understand how even that's difficult. They don't understand. It's anti-empathy.
1: The phrase "being dissolved into nothingness" was stolen from "Exiting Modernity" by Meta Nomad
I'm sitting at my desk idly scrolling Youtube and I feel guilty. Guilty of waking up before my morning wake up goal and being consumed by anxiety once again. If I try to actively regulate my emotions, I start thinking, having thoughts, and those thoughts only make me more anxious. I have a rare elongated clarity of thought at the moment, helped by the environment of this forum and for once in a blue moon actually writing.
I think to myself that I could lay down in bed, and listen to Youtube but that feels so *awful*. Not the right way of sleeping nor a way that would get me to sleep as quick. It would be low quality sleep and much less than if I laid in bed without distractions.
But I would atleast be laying down. I wouldn't be calm, but I would feel atleast a *little* less anxious. It is like bashing my head against the wall and cutting my arm. It is not good to bash my head against the wall, humorous to point out literally in fact. Nor, is it good to cut my arm. But, at least cutting my arm (in a safe manner) is leagues better. There is no airy sense of brain damage, I see and feel exactly what is harmed.
It is very late. I am going to try to lay down and listen to Youtube. I will try not to shame myself that this is bad. And if it ultimately looks like I can't do that. Then maybe I will go try less: turn off the lights while I use my computer; maybe sit in bed and use my computer--even though common advice dictates that makes it ultimately harder to sleep--it's better than nothing.
If I am hitting myself, I try to do it a little softer but don't worry if I can't. If I am berating myself, I try to use kinder insults but don't worry if I can't. It's okay to try to do what you can, even if what you can is leagues below what's considered normal. I hate when people tell me to be kind to myself because it's a little insulting they don't understand how even that's difficult. They don't understand. It's anti-empathy.
1: The phrase "being dissolved into nothingness" was stolen from "Exiting Modernity" by Meta Nomad
