HopelessScientist
Member
- Jan 24, 2023
- 71
So, I joined here in 2022 I believe? Maybe a bit later. It was right after my brief remission period that lasted 2-3 years. I fell further than ever before.
I became nothing but a vegetable, I could not dress myself. I stared at walls for hours straight. Scrolling reddit was progress. Anhedonia? Complete consummatory, moderate anticipatory. I could not think, I could not ruminate, my mind was nothing but static with some coherent thought if I forced it. My first thoughts upon waking up were "I want to die" and "not again". It was absolute torture. Not a single moment of that was worth surviving, it was in every way a fate worse than death, a cycle where the only reward for surviving another day was waking up. By my bedside I wrote "giving up science means killing myself, killing myself means giving up science" and that was why I survived. I got a degree in psychology with neuroscience, good grades too but I felt nothing - no relief, no achievement, no satisfaction.
I told myself I'll buy SN and keep it in a timed-safe and when it opens, I will make a choice, but this choice will be made with me knowing I have tried everything. This year, still severely-extremely depressed, I went back here. Just wanted to improve my CTB method to ensure there is no failure. This was my only hope.
With great scepticism - after a psychiatrist shattered all hope four years ago (e.g. I am untreatable, this is just who I am, he cannot help me etc)- I tried mirtazapine 15mg, and got myself on bupropion, which I have recently titrated to 300mg.
Within two months -like a shock to my system - I am okay.
Washing the dishes isn't like climbing a mountain. I do not have to force myself to take every step, I can walk without thinking. I maintain decent hygiene. It's not perfect, I still have mild-moderate depression, but I am waking up. For the first time I can see colour, for the first time, I hear my own footsteps, for the first time, I feel my heart beat. For the first time, my mind is my own.
I cry whenever I recognise myself. I am still anhedonic, but I have a sense of humour, there's no heavy weight with every word I write to my friends. I am playful, fun, non-serious. I am able to feel sadness again and I don't hate it. Sadness has a reason, it is a signal that guides us but depression isn't sadness it is a cruel disease that causes nothing but pointless suffering. Yesterday, I felt 15 minutes of "alright" which was honestly too much for me. I couldn't process it but I cried. I went on a long walk, and I saw a sunset, a very beautiful sunset, but I saw no beauty in it, I saw beauty in the leaves, in the shadows, in the water (I cropped it to conceal my location)
I noticed myself last week falling into old habits, I kept on running out of fear of being depressed again, out of fear of losing momentum. I was engrossed in MSc applications, saying I must get into the best university or I will ctb. I took a whole weekend off and another few days. I am learning to meditate, I am really trying to observe my mind and find a way to heal. I do not have therapy yet, but I realised I have been in denial over my diagnosis of CPTSD and that my severe depression overshadowed my moderate OCD, which again, I have been in denial over.
Even so, I am trying to live in the moment. My close friend quoted something from principles of neural science that described my depressed state perfectly - the dissociation, the discomfort, the achievement striving - 'The concept of a plan allows freedom from immediacy'
Medications helped me. They may not help you. You may have tried everything, including ECT, TMS, ketamine. If you are there, I am so so truly sorry. I am sorry that people only care that you are alive and with a heartbeat, I know that that state is not a state worth living through. I will do what I can in my future research to help people like us, but unfortunately, every depressed person is a tragedy. Every case of severe depression carries loss, grief and trauma. I just hope you find a way to not suffer anymore, whatever that may be. You deserved better.
I became nothing but a vegetable, I could not dress myself. I stared at walls for hours straight. Scrolling reddit was progress. Anhedonia? Complete consummatory, moderate anticipatory. I could not think, I could not ruminate, my mind was nothing but static with some coherent thought if I forced it. My first thoughts upon waking up were "I want to die" and "not again". It was absolute torture. Not a single moment of that was worth surviving, it was in every way a fate worse than death, a cycle where the only reward for surviving another day was waking up. By my bedside I wrote "giving up science means killing myself, killing myself means giving up science" and that was why I survived. I got a degree in psychology with neuroscience, good grades too but I felt nothing - no relief, no achievement, no satisfaction.
I told myself I'll buy SN and keep it in a timed-safe and when it opens, I will make a choice, but this choice will be made with me knowing I have tried everything. This year, still severely-extremely depressed, I went back here. Just wanted to improve my CTB method to ensure there is no failure. This was my only hope.
With great scepticism - after a psychiatrist shattered all hope four years ago (e.g. I am untreatable, this is just who I am, he cannot help me etc)- I tried mirtazapine 15mg, and got myself on bupropion, which I have recently titrated to 300mg.
Within two months -like a shock to my system - I am okay.
Washing the dishes isn't like climbing a mountain. I do not have to force myself to take every step, I can walk without thinking. I maintain decent hygiene. It's not perfect, I still have mild-moderate depression, but I am waking up. For the first time I can see colour, for the first time, I hear my own footsteps, for the first time, I feel my heart beat. For the first time, my mind is my own.
I cry whenever I recognise myself. I am still anhedonic, but I have a sense of humour, there's no heavy weight with every word I write to my friends. I am playful, fun, non-serious. I am able to feel sadness again and I don't hate it. Sadness has a reason, it is a signal that guides us but depression isn't sadness it is a cruel disease that causes nothing but pointless suffering. Yesterday, I felt 15 minutes of "alright" which was honestly too much for me. I couldn't process it but I cried. I went on a long walk, and I saw a sunset, a very beautiful sunset, but I saw no beauty in it, I saw beauty in the leaves, in the shadows, in the water (I cropped it to conceal my location)
I noticed myself last week falling into old habits, I kept on running out of fear of being depressed again, out of fear of losing momentum. I was engrossed in MSc applications, saying I must get into the best university or I will ctb. I took a whole weekend off and another few days. I am learning to meditate, I am really trying to observe my mind and find a way to heal. I do not have therapy yet, but I realised I have been in denial over my diagnosis of CPTSD and that my severe depression overshadowed my moderate OCD, which again, I have been in denial over.
Even so, I am trying to live in the moment. My close friend quoted something from principles of neural science that described my depressed state perfectly - the dissociation, the discomfort, the achievement striving - 'The concept of a plan allows freedom from immediacy'
Medications helped me. They may not help you. You may have tried everything, including ECT, TMS, ketamine. If you are there, I am so so truly sorry. I am sorry that people only care that you are alive and with a heartbeat, I know that that state is not a state worth living through. I will do what I can in my future research to help people like us, but unfortunately, every depressed person is a tragedy. Every case of severe depression carries loss, grief and trauma. I just hope you find a way to not suffer anymore, whatever that may be. You deserved better.
