Venting life altering depression

[tvundercover]

ive had depression since i was 9. it's hereditary in my family and also my adoptive one has it too. i once had a year or so worth of knotted hair because i was so little and tired, and my mom would yell at me for it. i never brushed my teeth even now because im so tired. my gums bleed everytime i so much as floss once now bc i don't brush, maybe once or twice a month. i lived in a straight depression room my entire life until a few months ago. it would get "cleaned" but was always full near the walls with childhood stuff i could never clear out. when my depression got really bad, piles of food would just pile up under my bed and under the table. when my furniture was being moved, my mom found a 3ish ft pile of straight food trash under my bed. she was humiliated at me. one thing my new and old room still have in common is the maggots. i still have food piles sometimes but im cleaning them up now, but they always come back. i have a horrible phobia of any maggot related imagery now. i get the feelings and memories of them on my walls, ceilings, floors, bed, skin. i used to have breakdowns whenever i saw them. i remember the first time i found them was at 2 am and i cried so hard out of fear in the shower while my mom yelled at me. i cant even keep my room clean of maggots or keep my gums from bleeding or shower without a stool because of how tired i am. i feel like everyone lies when they say it gets better. even when im laughing with my crush i feel a pit somewhere inside me.

i already had a suicide attempt january idk how much longer i can do this again

 

[Kenny]

It doesn't always necessarily get better, that is true, but sometimes finding motivation can help. Firstly I'd like to notice that you said you're out of depression, which is a bigger step than you might realise. Depression will turn your mind into a battleground, and it's hardly clear who's fighting what. It's a mix of sadness, confusion, rejection, and lies (or at least exaggerated truths that your mind gives to you). Even when your depression is over, it'll leave you in such a broken state that picking up the pieces of what was will seem impossible.

In times like these, it can be the small steps that matter the most. Maybe it starts by finding a new hobby, talking to friends more often, anything that can build even a little bit of momentum. Think of it like this, a snowball tumbling down a hill doesn't show up for no reason, it started as less than a handful of snow, and then eventually tumbled and gained enough traction to keep growing.

My point is that the small steps can turn into something big. For myself, I found that as long as I can keep motivation by doing hobbies and things I enjoy, I can slowly chip away at the problems I have. It's not perfect, nor is it constant (some days you'll burn out, that's just how it goes with depression), but it'll help build something better.

Either way, I'm sorry that you have to go through this, maggots are scary (so is depression in general). I remember my parents used to throw garbage out into the garage and wait for the garbage truck to actually empty it into the garbage bin. Unfortunately I was the one who had to move it, and sometimes the bags were moving...

I hope it gets better for you in the future though, best wishes